It is sad to be lonely, but I would rather be sad than angry. And to be completely fair, this has been good for me. I was so wrapped up in Chris and Ant and the house and my animals that there wasn't anything for me and nothing else to talk about. Now I have these big voids to fill and nobody to take care of but me and my pretty low maintenance dog and even lower maintenance cat. Figuring out what to do with all this free time is more of a challenge than you might imagine. It is a constant challenge to keep thoughts and activities aimed in a positive direction. I have spent a lot of time alone and undistracted and unable to escape thoughts of the last ten years. It is not fun to look at the mess, but it's pretty clear we were going to hit a wall at some point- but a necessary wall. I spent so much time being too angry to think straight, and the one thing I know for sure right now is that I don't want to be that angry anymore. He did a lot of wrong, but he knows it. That's his, not mine. I don't need to be mad to demand better treatment. My job is to keep myself on a good track: keep working on the blood sugar, the exercise, the attitude, and being present.
Right now I'm sad, and that's okay. It was a good day anyway.
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