No energy left for a good title

Today I was reading through random old blog posts and found some themes:

• Me juggling many different responsibilities/trying to be productive
• Me on solo parenting duties/Chris being absent
• Chris and Ant making me laugh
• Chris making me furious

Can you tell I have recently discovered the bulleting button?

In one particular post, I'm writing about me picking up Ant from helping Chris and finding out that Ant ate essentially no dinner, and after working hours in the sun and heat, had some giant dessert instead.  Ant got sick- not immediately, but late that night, when he was home with me.

I was always so willing to defer to Chris on matters of Ant's health because I was afraid that I was missing some natural parental protection reflex.  What I saw in that blog was that I was thorough and researched the symptoms, tentatively treated him and kept my mind and eyes open for other causes or symptoms.  I consulted with Chris until he got home and he took over.

Then there's the part where I feel completely inadequate because Chris lies right down with Ant and comforts him, which is something that did not occur to me.  That still makes me feel bad.  It's not that I wasn't affectionate with him, and it wasn't that I was careless in addressing illness.  I was just unable to be mama.  Take Riley, for example.  While her breath and dog farts may not be pleasant, I like her normal smell and when she gets hurt, she limps to me and I cuddle and coo and fix it.  I was never like that with Ant, long after I loved and adored him and would sacrifice anything for him.  I know that that lack of closeness is sadly just part of the step-parenting deal, and I know that it was through no shortcoming of mine.  I know that NOW.  Then it was just another failure to torture myself with.

Finally, I admit that it made me mad that I waited up for Chris to get home only to have him sleep in Ant's room.  None of us got rest because Ant was up with a horrible stomachache all night long.  Chris either recognized that this was entirely his fault or perhaps a natural parenting instinct kicked in, but he was up with Ant until it subsided.  I spent the night alone, mad that I was alone again, mad that Chris had created this completely unnecessary problem, and feeling like a perfect asshole for being mad and not being able to comfort Ant.

But here's something else: I was home.  I heard his whimpers and immediately went to check on him.  I talked to him, I was calm, my tone was comforting.  I was concerned.  I asked him questions, I looked things up.  I gave him medicine.  I told him it would be okay.  Then his dad came home and took over.  Did that make me mad?

And moreover- I was honest about exactly how I felt.  I admitted what I felt guilty about and acknowledged what Chris could do that I could not.  I admitted my horrible selfish feelings about Chris not sleeping in our bed.  But as I wrote, I went to bed without him most nights.  For once, I had waited for him, and yet he was still not there- and not there because of something asinine that he should not have allowed.  But it was the middle of the night, so my justified anger was multiplied into something ferocious and green.

I am resentful of so many things now, but as terrible as this sounds, I am so much less resentful of myself.  I did a good job, goddammit.  I did SUCH a good job that I am confused as to how I got booted.  I feel like I am a pitied fool for not leaving.  I feel lost a lot now without all this nonsense to juggle.  I get very upset over what's happening to Ant- some of which is normal teenage bullshit, but most of which is a direct result of Chris yanking everything out from under him, not to mention the serious differences we had in our parental philosophy.  The last thing I want is to throw my hands up and say what else can I do, but what else can I do?  I got replaced by someone who cannot even compete with me.  That is both baffling and horrifying.  And how can I celebrate my freedom from constant frustration (and hurt and everything else I could list here) when Ant loses?

Well, I just keep writing and keep going to work.  I try to relish those wonderful moments of happiness.  I remind myself that it shouldn't take more than a year.  I hope I can be brave.