All week I have to drag myself out of bed, but I'm awake at 5:30 on Saturday morning?
I saw the aftermath of an accident yesterday morning. It looked minor enough until I saw this girl kneeling on the sidewalk, bent over, holding her head with a guy kneeling over, holding her. The paramedics put her on a stretcher and I felt so scared for her. I'm sure that is contributing to my current fear of being in an accident. It also has to do with driving a pretty new car. Last night I read that over 200 tickets were issued yesterday for distracted driving. There's a Cake song Easy to Crash sailing through my head. So I put all this together and now I am not sleeping in on a Saturday morning because I am too busy worrying about how I will avoid an accident. Be careful, yes. Pay attention, yes. But what else can I do from my bed? Stop it!
Instead, I start thinking about the other kind of crash: blood sugar. I'm almost always within the range I need to be now, but that puts me so much closer to the edge. Crashing too much isn't good, either. I have been crashing often because I am learning the limits. It's hard to make sense of anything underneath high blood sugar readings. Now I can see exactly where I made a mistake. I went to bed at 130 (blood sugar, not time), should have had a snack. I questioned the snack, went without, crashed.
It feels so awful, like you're falling. Even with the glucose tablets, it takes several minutes to feel better. You're supposed to test, eat a few tabs, then eat a snack with carbs and protein and wait it out. It is really hard not to gobble up everything you can find, because it takes a while for your body to absorb the glucose, slow the crash, and start moving in the other direction. In the meantime, you feel like it's getting worse.
I think about being alone. Chris often helped me through my lows. He could tell from my body temperature when I was crashing at night. The only time I ever passed out, he saved me. He tested all my Diet Cokes and caught several Cokes that were passed my way. I have glucose tabs and granola bars squirreled all over the place: next to my bed, in my purse, my jackets, the dog walking bag, the car, at work. I keep them stocked. I'm trying to learn quickly and remember what I know, now that I am much closer to the cliff. I'm supposed to walk the edge. I feel so vulnerable being alone. I didn't worry about car accidents before, other than being so furious that Chris wasn't home that I thought he had better be in one.
I rejected the new equation because I couldn't use it consistently- it must work wonders for old guys with Type II who never get above 180. I'll spare you the explanation, but it did not work for me. What did was increasing my long-acting shot. Suddenly- immediately- I have fantastic blood sugar readings. Is that all it took? What have they been doing for the last eight years? Why did they think I just didn't know how to count carbs, when I'd been at it for so long?
But ok, fine, we're good now, I just have to fine tune some things, keep my sugar stockpile replenished, work on reducing my craving for fountain drinks, and trust that I've got this thing covered. As it turns out, I'm not the terrible diabetic I always thought I was- I just wasn't getting enough medicine for it to work. Look at me maintain great blood sugar! ("You're on a very small amount of Lantus as compared to all our other diabetics." Kick it up, then! WTF!?!)
And I'm a good driver, too. It might be easy to crash, but I'm staying in my lane.
Knock on wood.
I'm going back to bed.
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