On one hand I think I will deal with this better in the long run because I am dealing with the grief now, unlike some people...
On the other hand, I think I am destined to feel more grief being the dumpee. Do you know how stupid I feel for sticking around and trying for so long? I think I must have been largely alone on that one, though I'm sure he'd disagree. The more distance there is between us, the less I believe I meant to him. If I meant more, he would have fought for us. Of course, there's that part where he says he's doing all this for my benefit, to let me go to find someone who deserves me. Of course, that's the biggest cop out ever. Then there's the other bunch of bullshit, that he and this tramp both think they're worthless, so that's something they have in common, something I just can't understand. Yes, I believe that's the old, sage advice about choosing to be around people worse than you to inspire pity party victim behavior. Yes, roll around in the trash and just confirm all those deep, dark fears about yourself. That's much easier than maturing emotionally. Regress about ten years, that ought to help. He is the little engine that put on a good show for a while before rolling back to the bottom, waving you on ahead.
I must be so entertaining- all I do is post anger here and Riley pictures on Facebook. This is a cold winter.
I have to keep telling myself- and please keep telling me too, even when I yell at you that I KNOW- that everything is gonna be okay. As the days get longer, I'll have more sunshine and I'll be warm again. There will be things to do and reasons to clean up and put on lip gloss. Remind me that for now it's okay to wear lots of layers and hey, next winter I'll have nice, new triple-paned windows. What a neat metaphor- I'll have more insulation from the cold. For now it's hot tea and Fiona Apple albums. Hot baths and Entertainment Weekly. Cheese and chaos. Back to the laundromat. Dog paddling with periodic near drownings. I can be a cold, grieving, snotty mess this winter. It may be important to dress up especially when you don't feel like it, but if you can't manage that, you just have to put on clothes and go to work. Do what you can and just remember that the days are going to get warmer. Be devastated and get through it anyway. Come home and cry sometimes. Then watch something that makes you laugh. Hug the dog. Design a cross-stitch that says, "Who knows what the tide could bring?"
That's enough for one night. Time to go do something else.
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