Ugh. Thank god I have a blog. Hopefully I can spout my wrath here instead of texts to Chris. He called to tell me about Ant's latest shenanigans and the mayhem they caused, and really, he's worse than Elaine. She called last night, baiting me- did I want to know what happened? No. No, I don't want to hear about it. And of course, she told me, but I heard a version that implicated the disgusting tramp and I was happy, thinking that would finally be the end of it. I don't want to try to reunite, I just want to see that crash and burn like it should. Hopefully in a spectacular manner involving herpes and destruction and everything else he so fully deserves. He calls to tell me about what Ant did now and what he lost as a result, sliding the responsibility right past himself AND his son and onto some other kid whose parents are clearly fucked up. He took everything from Ant and grounded him for the rest of the year- any bets on how long that will last? At least he's consistent in his inconsistency. And how did Ant get in such trouble, being left to his own devices? After all, fourteen-year-olds are known for their stellar decision-making abilities. Oh, but that's all fixed now, because he's going to be looked after while Chris is working by the tramp's parents. Oh hey, she's a juvenile delinquent parole officer something-or-other, fabulous! That's the point where I could not hold back the bile. I spit venom for as long as he was willing to hear it. How lovely that he's found someone else to dump his kid on, now that he's gotten rid of me. He's made out, hasn't he, with his young bimbo and her parents. "They like me," he said, reminding me for the eightieth time that my family did not. You dug that hole, big dummy. You will again. I bet they're just thrilled that their fucked-up daughter has met someone further up the food chain. I heard him scoff when I called her a horrible person. Again, give it time. You'll surely find out.
I hate that I have become your bitter ex-girlfriend, you flaming asshole. I could turn all this anger inward and try to show some grace or I can let it burn its way out. The worst I did while I was still living in the house was kick a Triscuit box down the hall. Now I'd really like to break something. Thankfully, I have two pieces from the ceramics class that are horrible. Chris thinks I shouldn't break them, so the only thing left is to find a nice, solid chunk of concrete to hurl them against. Not because he wouldn't want me to, but because I don't want them and his opinion doesn't matter anymore.
I'm finding less to miss and more to be angry out, but don't you dare celebrate, Mom. Don't welcome me to this part because I hate it. I don't want to feel this way about someone- about anyone. I do want that girl to drown in her own vomit... actually, anyone's vomit will do, but the hatred I have for her is based only on her disgusting actions. I'm sure in real life she's actually a very thoughtless, selfish, immature, insecure bitch, but maybe she's tolerable. Saf-t had a great post up the other day about not choosing people for their hair or their body or their face because that all goes, but who a person is in their heart- that never changes. I wanted to post it to my own wall or better yet- his, because for me it so neatly summarizes the end of us. Of course, that just makes me look like "the one who can't let go," so that's no good. Because I am letting go. Even though it pains me to think of people celebrating that on my behalf. I don't think it's a cause for celebration, I think it's a sad thing to lose love, whether it was horribly unbalanced or not. He argued that, just as I imagined he would. But actions...
The best thing I could do would be to be quiet when he says something stupid. Unfortunately, I am not very capable of that. And I am not going to try. I'm just going to let it out, just hopefully here. But really, did he really think he was going to tell me all that as if I would just listen and be supportive? Does he expect me to be a friend? That just seems to confirm for me that his head is still up his ass and there is no remorse. "No remorse?" he said. "I think I have royally fucked up my karma." Ah yes, that first rule of karma- only think about how it's going to affect you. Jesus.
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