Tuck in time

Well I finally called Topaz to wish them a Merry Christmas, even though I knew they would not be merry. I have never heard Mike sound so sad.

I have thoughts derailing all over the place.

I don't know how a person can leave such a sad mess in their wake.

I think about what I want in a guy, and I think someone who picks up after themselves means so much more than what I thought it did.

There will be something to be grateful for in this... later on.

I can't explain why I'm so messed up over this- I don't know that I really understand it. You all seem to understand it better than I do, and the space you're allowing me for hurt really awes me.

It was not a bad day- really. I did what I wanted: I slept in, I took Riley for a long walk, I worked on a puzzle, I ate yummy food, I took a movie nap. I got some awesome gifts, and talked to my family. Dad will be here on Friday, and we're going to have another mini Christmas then.

One day of work before a long weekend. Chin up, buckle down.

Next

But I just finished reading the last of my 25 books for 2013, here in the Target parking lot. It was a great book that I burned through in what must be 3 days. It was a nice note to end on, and horribly relevant, which is always good. I knew before I started reading it that I would love this book even if I didn't like the ending.

I feel like I need a nap, but I'm in greater need a car wash, so off I go.

Keep going

It'll pass and I think I'm OK now. I'll feel optimistic and happy, full of energy, charging on ahead. But then there's a sudden, crippling sadness and I feel so alone, like I'll be alone forever.

When that happens, I try to remind myself that it's temporary- even if it doesn't feel that way. I try to think of things to look forward to. I try to enjoy simple pleasures. I find distractions. Tears still come, and I let them, but then they go, and I think this is what my life looks like right now.

Goodbye

I went to six stores before I found a good duffel bag for Ant.  He always travels with a couple backpacks, and I couldn't think of anything more appropriate to give him on a traveling birthday.  He will be thrilled to go- he's always said he's from Simi Valley, even though he only spent a few months there when he was a baby before they moved to Virginia.

All the duffel bags were too small or had the poles and the wheels, making them awkward and heavy and unsmushable.  I gave up at Walmart and sat down on the floor, talking and crying on the phone with Mom.  She was very encouraging and I went to review the bags again and found the perfect one.  It's a good size- large, but still manageable.  There are wheels, so you could drag it through an airport, but no poles, so it's not too heavy, and it's smushable.  So smushable, in fact, that you can zipper the whole thing up into one end, making it look like a large lunch bag.

I bought a tiny card and put positive, loving words and a $20 bill in it.  I put that in the mesh front pocket, along with root beer gum, chapstick, a road troll, and a 3D drawing pad that comes with 3D glasses.

Chris showed me the blankets he had already set out for Jasmine to lie down on in the car.  I reminded him that when she starts to shake, it means she's going to vomit soon.

We went to Applebee's.  It should have been a TGI Friday's, but there aren't any left around here.

We had a beer, shared our favorite appetizer, and talked about the past, present, and future.  We split the bill, then talked for a good measure more in the parking lot.  Then we said goodbye.

"Take good care of the three of you," I cried.

"I promise."

One last hug and he laughs.

"You STILL have a poop bag..."

Time out

I wrote a lot yesterday and deleted it.  Self-imposed time-out.  Today I will try again.

My heart actually hurts.  In what is a very short notice decision, Chris says that he and Ant will be moving to L.A. tomorrow.

I don’t have the energy to debate with you about how you think this is great news, or when will I move on, or how hard you think I am making things for myself.

I am just going to tell you that this is not going to happen on your timeline.

And that doesn’t mean that I’m doing anything wrong.  That just means that it’s hard, and it’s going to be hard and take lots of time because that’s how these things work.

I’m glad you think I deserve someone better, because even if Chris had some really shitty behavior, the love we still have for each other somehow survived all that.  Must have been some pretty powerful stuff.

The bad things are true, but they do not negate the good things.

And I feel actual, physical pain in my heart.

Vincent Van Goddammit

Starry bluearrgghhhhh!

The White Tree (of Gondor)

 

My coworker lent me one of her trees!  I should have taken the small pink one.  Sheesh.  I forgot what these things are like to put together.  Or rather, I forgot that I never had to participate in actually putting the tree together.  I just put ornaments on it.  This was such an ordeal that if it hadn't already involved hauling the box up the stairs, I might have given up on it.  I put the middle section on the bottom first, and marveled at how wide it was.  Imagine my consternation when I realized that wasn't the bottom.  That's when I called Tracy and Mom in a panic.  They both immediately knew exactly where the tree had to go, and made some helpful suggestions about how to decorate it.  Only SOME helpful suggestions, because somebody's been watching too much Martha Stewart.  But the tree is up, pre-lit, and post-decorated.  It's resting on furniture sliders because I had to drag it across the living room and I was afraid I'd set the carpet on fire.  That sucker is heavy.  The sliders come in handy when I need to close the blinds, so I'm leaving them there.  Tracy wins Christmas for her tree skirt this year- mine will not be nearly as clever.  When she posts a picture of what she's doing, I'll post it here so you can see.

 

Why does the urge to write so often strike late at night when I'm supposed to be getting ready for my real job?  Shouldn't this be my real job?

 

I'm glad I got a tree.  I'm glad I was able to borrow one, I'm glad my friend has a Christmas tree addiction, and I'm glad she was willing to haul one into work for me.  I'm also glad it fit in my car, because I thought my back seats folded down to make a hole into the trunk and found out that they either don't or I have forgotten how.  I'm also glad her fiancé remembered that the green one was 9 feet tall before she brought it in.  This tree is the perfect height, and it is lovely.

 

I did only have eight ornaments, but then I found the box that Chris brought me.  I have a good start there.  I also have a ton of icicles all over the tree, not that you can tell.  I didn't want to buy any Christmas stuff, but I may have to hit the dollar store to find something ridiculous to put on top.

 

Oh- and Dad will be here right after Christmas.  Perfect time to sit and admire the tree for a couple days before he gets to help me dismantle it, pack it back into the box, and get it into my car.

 

I'm suffering from face-splitting yawns and Solo is trying to sleep with her face in my hand

 

so I need to go take the dogs out and get to bed.  Goodnight!

 

Sunday Night Ramble Tamble

It has been an evening of purging and cleaning.  The dogs are chowing down on their kibble and steamed broccoli, and I am feeling capable.  I am looking around at all this stuff and wondering what I am going to do with it.  I am mentally sorting it into categories: Toss; Donate; Store; Bring; and Oh God, What The Hell Am I Going To Do With That.

I found my little pot of random puzzle pieces that have shown up over the years: wrong pieces that showed up in thrift store puzzles, pieces that did not make it back into the box.  I liked my little pot of puzzle pieces, but today my eyes fell on it with a different look.  I tried to throw them out, couldn't do it, so I glued them to the plain red cover of a journal I am about to start.  Ha.  Now, did I do my research on fabric and types of glue first?  Of course not.  At least I didn't use Elmer's, and I currently have the journal in a makeshift press.  Perhaps they'll all fall off anyway.  This journal is huge, so I think it's probably likely, considering that this last, reasonably slim journal has taken me five years to finish.  Well, maybe I'll have a lot more to write about now.

I hate feeling like there is so much to do and never having enough time to do it.  I'm going to chalk a lot of that up to Netflix and Blockbuster.  Last night I made banana muffins; tonight I'm going to make tons of little meatballs.  I filed/recycled a lot of paper.  I had lunch with a friend.  Thanks to the snowstorm Friday night, I am trapped by the ice on the roads when the sun goes down.  I need no more financial obligations, as we've already established.  I didn't get to run around as much as I would have liked today, so I am going to try to get a day off this week.  I want to have my Christmas stuff in the mail ASAP.

And speaking of Christmas... Dad's coming up the weekend after, which is nice.  We'll celebrate Christmas then, and I am looking forward to spending Christmas Day doing only things I enjoy.  But I got a little revved up, thinking of decorating for Christmas this year.  I recently saw a bin marked Christmas in my storage shed and got all excited, thinking maybe I'd brought some stuff from the house after all.  Sadly, no.  There are a few ornaments I received last year and some gift wrap.  I'm going to ask my coworker if I can borrow one of her trees, as she said she has a tree-buying problem.  There's no sense in buying anything that I'll just have to get rid of or store.

Ok, I'm going to get back to cleaning and throwing shit out, before I get all melancholy over here.  Counting Crows are not helping.  Onto Creedence and getting that kitchen clean.  Down the road I go.

Begot Till

I've got to go to bed soon because tomorrow's going to be a busy day, but I just had to tell you that I just watched Word Wars: Tiles and Tribulations on the SCRABBLE Circuit.

Read that again.  Tiles and tribulations, ah ha ha ha ha ha!  And now I know that An Endeavor is an anagram for Reno, Nevada.  I also learned that the people featured in this film are completely crazy, but still really impressive.  The four people featured have no jobs.  All they do is play Scrabble.  They play in tournaments for prize money and they play each other for money.  The dream they all share is to win the national championship.  Guess how much that pays?  $25,000.  And that was in 2002.  There was some discussion in the movie that maybe someday Scrabble tournament winners will get $50,000 and be on Sportscenter, and the players could make a living at what they do best.  Wouldn't that be amazing?  Well, according to the final note in the movie, ESPN put on the first SCRABBLE All-Stars tournament in 2003 with a first prize going for $50,000.  Isn't that awesome?

Forbes says the minimum salary for an NFL player in 2013 is $405,000.  I think that can't be right.  Maybe I think that shouldn't be right.  I tried to find out what ESPN is paying their SCRABBLE All-Stars these days and shockingly, I couldn't find any after 2003.

I just googled this year's winner of the National Scrabble Championship.  He looks a little less than enthused in the picture with his giant check, perhaps because he only won $10,000.  How did that reward decrease over the last ten years!?!?!

http://investor.hasbro.com/releasedetail.cfm?ReleaseID=780147 

Look, he's not even touching that check!  This is his fifth win!  He is the reigning World Champion!

This is why the aliens only come here to anally probe us.


This blog was written by an anagram of Neck Ripen Jelly

Dear Bloggy

I was just talking to Dad yesterday about the possibility of trading in my car.  I want a different car because waah.  I could spell out all my reasons, but that's about the gist of it.  Dad went into research mode, and we discussed as many pros and cons as we could come up with.  The results are pretty much what you'd imagine: pay it down enough to where I'm not upside down, THEN trade it in.  Poo.

It's not right for me for many reasons, but Dad reminded me that it was exactly what I needed at the time, and it will continue to function well as long as I need it, and it will hold its value.  Not what I want, but what I need.  What a good metaphor for the moment.  I have dug myself a pretty deep hole, and I need some patience to get out of it.  But patience is avert you, as I thought Mom was saying all those years.

It's odd having the three girls and me together again- oddly familiar to be alone with only the animals and Lord of the Rings.  My stomach is uneasy these days, probably because my decision is likely made.  I feel like I will waste opportunities here, and I will waste opportunities there.  I feel like a wreck, and I don't feel like things will be fine.  But I also recognize that that's how I feel right now, and that will change.  (That, and 9:15 on a Wednesday night is probably not the best time to assess things.)  So, ok.  Clean up, read, go to sleep.  Keep plugging away, because small victories do mean a lot, and you are absolutely capable.  Hang in there.

Broke Saturday

They got evicted from the floor so I could vacuum. Jasmine is in town this week so that she can go to the vet. She's had problems with her back leg and she's got some lumps that need to be checked out, and she needs her regular shots and check up. She's been a little upset with all of the moving around that's been going on, and I thought it might be good for her to spend her days with Riley and Solo rather than being alone while Chris works.

I'm trying to get all my house cleaning done today so that I have nothing to do but puzzles tomorrow. I've done pretty well so far and it's only 10:45. Of course, I'm already ready for a movie nap. Once my towels are dry, I'll take a shower, take the dogs for a long walk, then we'll go for a ride to get a Diet Coke. I think I'm going to try to bake some rolls today.

Laundry's done! Time to go!

Nice job, little girl.

My whole budget spreadsheet is mysteriously gone, so I am suddenly flying blind.

Fortunately, I'm so awesome that I was able to rebuild it almost entirely by memory, since I stare at it damn near daily.  And I got to reorganize it so it made more sense!  Oh, I love rearranging anything!

Ok, hang on a minute.

Whew.  Had to go change into some jammies.  I ate way too much for dinner.  Mmm, stuffed shells.  Blllarrrrggggghhhh.  Mini had Mariner's Catch Pate, and Riley had some Shredded Beef, Carrots, and Barley Entrée mixed in with her kibble.  I'm pausing my silly movie to tell you about why Riley got an extra special dinner tonight, and no, it's not in celebration of her weigh in at the vet today.  (She's down to 20 pounds!  Woo-hoo!)

When I took her out after I got home, she checked the dumpster while I checked the mail.  She started sniffing the grass, but then made a beeline towards a woman at the mailboxes.  I tried to call her off, because usually when she randomly does that, it's to bark purposelessly at whoever's there.  She was not to be deterred, though, and went right up to this woman and started wiggling her butt and sitting at her feet, like she was waiting for cookies.  The woman didn't mind, and reached down to pet Riley, who normally is not all that inviting to strangers.  Riley sat and accepted love, and the woman started telling me about her mail problem.  I got the sense that she needed to talk.  She said that she had been hoping to catch the mail lady, because one whole section of mailboxes has been deemed unacceptable for mail delivery.  Everyone who uses that section has to go to the post office to pick up their mail because it's apparently possible to pop the door off the whole section.  She said it's been about a MONTH now.  I was properly horrified.

We also talked about Riley, and she said she had been thinking about getting a dog.  She was hesitant because her granddaughter's dogs are very yappy, but I told her that the Humane Society could probably help her find a quiet dog suitable for apartment living.  Then I learned that she and her husband moved to Reno to be near their son, who died unexpectedly soon after.  If that's not enough, she sold her house in August and moved into these apartments to be closer to her husband's assisted living facility.  He had Alzheimer's, and the drive to visit him from Sparks had gotten to be too much to deal with.  He died three days after she moved in.  Good grief.  She said she had been thinking about getting a dog because this is the first time she's lived alone in 52 years, and the noises are unnerving her.  I know the noises are hard enough to get used to after living in a house, let alone the losses she's suffered.  I had already agreed that a dog might be a good idea, but now I was convinced.  You need a dog.

We talked a little longer about Riley and breeds, then we introduced ourselves, she patted Riley again, and we said goodbye.  I was immediately impressed with my little goat.  She is an old lady dog, but maybe in a different respect than we thought.  Now this nice old lady in my neighborhood has two new friends.  "Nice job, Riley," I told her, my heart beaming, and she made little whiny noises in response and scampered toward the car.  She sat in my lap on the way to Petsmart, where I bought her the Beef, Carrots, and Barley meal.  She sat in my lap on the way to her weigh in and whuffled my sleeve as I told her how much I loved her.  My good girl.

Some things just don't change

Wee-EEE are NEVER EVER EVER getting back together.

Well, we knew that already, but it's good for me to have confirmation of that sometimes.  You still haven't figured out how not to be a turd, and that makes me sad and upset, but that is bullshit that I don't have to deal with anymore.  I do anyway sometimes, and here's how that breaks down:

End Result 1:  I feel satisfied with the interaction, I feel respected and treated like a friend, and content with the fact that I don't feel any pull for something more.

End Result 2:  He does something stupid and selfish that makes me want to push him into oncoming traffic.

Yes, I see why you think it's a bad idea for me to be around him.  I know, and you're right.  And here I am anyway, frustrated and annoyed with dickhead behavior.  Serves me right, but look who I got to hang out with today:

They came by last night and everything was fine and we were talking and catching up and when the discussion shifted to plans for today, everything blew up.  The only plan Chris had for him was to spend the day at the tow yard, and Ant was understandably upset at that prospect.  He was already amped up all evening- happily and teasingly disrespectful, which Tracy immediately identified as Ant feeling at home.  I let most of that go because he was clearly excited, but he got STUCK on the tow yard problem and would not shut up long enough to hear what I was offering.  I mean that he did not allow either of us to speak even while he was cursing at us and demanding that we just tell him.  He got more and more steamed until he just blew, and was invited to take a walk to cool down.  It took several walks, and at one point he shook his finger at me, too angry to speak.  I was completely thrown- unsure how the hell I was the bad guy when I was trying to offer him a more entertaining alternative.  There was just no reaching him.  Chris sat him down and laid it out for him, but Ant was still on full teenager outrage meltdown, and said to Chris that he was pissed that I was treating him like he was my kid.  Chris was turned towards Ant and I didn't see his expression in response to that, but I know it changed.  His head tilted and there was a pointed pause.  Chris then told him that I had done more for Ant than any other woman in his life.

Ant quieted after that lecture, but he was still clearly very angry.  I told him what was on the table for today: spending the day at Chris's work or what I would be willing to do if he came with me.  He asked me if he could think about it.  Absolutely.

I sent him home with dog cookies for Jasmine, and offered him some vile cheese puffs that I had, but he turned those down.  (What?  He's a teenager!  He eats everything!)  I hugged him goodbye and told him I loved him, and what I got in return was, "I know."

I felt awful.  I felt so unsettled, and I thought a lot about my own teenage karma.  I tried to channel Mom and sat in awe of how she survived my adolescence.  I thought about her patience and how much disrespect she endured and how she tried valiantly not to get drawn into arguing with me.  She tried every single day and never shipped me off to Springwood.  At the time, I was convinced that she was wrong about absolutely everything and into my early twenties I thought that she and Dad had completely failed us as parents.  I thought about the poem I wrote for her 60th birthday and struggled to accept the idea that Ant wouldn't fully appreciate me for another 15 years.

I also felt mad.  Look, here I am back in my permanent role as Ant's scapegoat.  You're not my real mom, you're just some asshole pretending to be a good parent.  I felt shock at the intensity of his anger towards me.  I felt attacked.  I was struck by the injustice of being called disrespectful by a disrespectful teenager who earnestly felt like an innocent bystander- had no idea that he had just created this explosion.  I tried hard to sleep and shake off the worry about what today would be like or if he would show up at all.

My daily counselor was available this morning, and I told her everything I felt.  Tracy heard me out and gave me encouragement, and I headed into my day.

Ant showed nothing about last night, and neither did I.  We just picked up as we always have, and spent a nice day together.  He was wonderful, happy, and helpful.  We took Jasmine and Riley over to meet Jody and her dogs at Rattlesnake Mountain.  Snoopy has been aggressive lately, and she used to argue with Jasmine sometimes, so I told Ant that we should keep a close eye out, but all that happened was that Snoopy and Lucy were so excited to see Jasmine that they put scratches all over the side of my car.  Fabulous.  Thank you.  Jasmine rejoined the pack as if she'd never left, and we were all happy.  Ant threw a stick for Jasmine, Snoopy roamed all over the place, and we periodically stopped for water or to pull a goat head out of somebody's paw.  We watched as people drove down the dirt road with their dogs running behind them and Jody wondered if that would be a good way to get some of Snoopy's energy out.  If you've seen the pictures of our walks, you know that they all eventually join our caravan except for her.  We decided to try and headed back to the cars.  Several wild horses were nearby, closer than I've ever seen, and our good girls did not harass them.

Jody let Snoopy out of the car at the start of the road and I drove behind her.  Snoopy was completely confused and Jasmine was whining to go play with her, so we let her out even though she was already pretty tired after chasing the stick on the walk.  Jasmine figured out what we were doing and led the way, running after Jody's car.  Snoopy caught on and we kept the two of them between us, a pretty good distance apart.  Jasmine ran out of steam and slowed down, so we stopped to pick her up and had to catch up with Snoopy, who was way ahead, still chasing after Jody's car.  She ran at least a mile.  We gave the dogs some more water and Jody, who never sees her dog tire out, said, "I think that might have actually done it."  Let's hope this is a viable way to tucker out an endurance dog.

That was a great dog walk- couldn't have gone better.  We brought the dogs to my apartment and Jasmine was very happy to see Solo, who batted her on the nose, but without claws.  I put Solo up on the cat shelves when we came in to make sure she felt safe, but she wandered right down to Jasmine, clearly recognizing her sister.  Her tail never poofed, she never hissed.  The last time Snoopy and Lucy were over, she did both and popped Lucy so good that we couldn't stop the bleeding for half an hour.  Ant and I went to lunch and came back to find Solo curled up and half asleep in a spot that was easily reachable by the pit bull.  Yes, they remember.

After lunch, we brought the dogs over to my apartment complex office for pictures with Santa.  I had signed Riley up, so I figured we'd bring Jasmine along.  As soon as we walked in the door, everyone's eyes were the on her, so Ant started giving her commands to show how well-behaved she is.  The picture is funny- Riley actually sat in Santa's lap, however reluctantly, and Jasmine posed on the floor by his chair, her head tilted adorably.

After that, Ant and I headed to Kohl's for some clearance shopping.  He found two pairs of pants and a backpack.  I handed over my coupons and when the cashier gave us the total of $25, Ant shook his head and high-fived me.  On the way out, we set off the sensor and another Kohl's lady came over to take off the tag.  I cracked a corny "Well, it IS a steal," and we giggled out into the parking lot where we bowed to the Kohl's gods.

We also hit up Ross, where we found him two shirts, some sheets, and warm, silly hat, then we came back, ate a snack, and watched Ghostbusters.

We had good conversation going all day long, and last night did come up.  He had been venting some of the horrors of Trampolina and stopped to say that's why he was so mad last night- because of her, and how she treated him.  As he talked, I realized that he hadn't been yelling at me, he was yelling at her.  He didn't get to share much of his feelings with her, it seems, and he hated both her and the way his dad was around her.  He really has had to deal with a pretty awful mess.  Earlier today in a different conversation, I told him that one of the things I love best about him is how he really tries to make the best of things, and that sometimes makes it hard to tell how he really feels.  I know this last year was unbelievably difficult, and it's difficult still, as he tries to make a life this semester in Topaz.  But he says he's ok because he sees that it's getting better.  He says his dad is back and really seems to be doing much better.  He looks forward to going back to live with Chris and making a new life again.  He has had to do that more times already than anyone I have ever known.

Before I start crying on my keyboard, I will take a deep breath here and say that this kid is amazing and we had a really, really good day together.  We had fun and he helped me and was very grateful, kind, silly, warm, open... he was just his happy, friendly, smart self.  And not greedy.  He was very conscious of prices and turned down what he did not need, even if he liked it.  We're on to go see Catching Fire tomorrow, hopefully with Bubba.  Oh- and during Ghostbusters, he raided my kitchen, seeking out the vile cheese puffs to munch on.  Some things don't change... thankfully.

Go to bed, genius

F.y.i margin call is a very depressing movie. I had to watch some Ellen moments on YouTube to cheer myself up. You'll have to excuse my typing because I'm using the voice feature. I've already turned off my computer and I'm trying to go to bed early since I woke up at 3 last night and it was not a low blood sugar problems but just a what the hell am i doing up at 3 problem. Why is it that you're ready to crash at 5 but ready to move furniture at 930?

Imaginary Conversation

Me, at work: "Please call me Jenny.  Nobody calls me Jennifer."

A coworker: "Nobody?  What does your mom call you?"

Me: "She calls me Chummo."

Actually, she spells it chumo, which makes me think choo-moe, so I have changed it.

Simply incandescent!

Well, that was not very good.

This was the first show after Barbara Land left, and I imagine there is some unsteadiness going on in the dance department.  The one I went to in the spring was enjoyable.  For this one, I'm glad I didn't take anyone with me.  If Tracy or Mom went, we would have been rolling our eyes at each other.  Now, I realize that UNR is probably not known for its dance program, and you will probably point out that this is another reason to go spend some time in a place where I'll be able to go see some (much) better performances.  Duly noted.  It didn't all suck, and I'm not sorry I went.  A lot of that was just normal college performance bullshit, like people hooting out the names of the people they came to see, and cheering because they thought everything was just excellent, but I am a snobby dance critic now and I wasn't there for anyone but me.

There were interesting things I found out that I have apparently taken for granted over the years.  For example, the need for providing enough house lights between performances so people can consult their programs without needing the blinding blue light from their cell phones.  Some people used them during the performances.  Lovely.  Then there's the guy next to me who ate two packages of Twix and left the wrappers on the floor because he's used to his mommy picking up after him.  Asshole.  People started the applause before the dances were over and all that nonsense, but the kid who clapped when the dancers did something impressive and neat was promptly shushed.

No, the audience did not help, nor did the music.  There was a dubstep contemporary piece in there, which was actually one of the better ones.  Cari Cunningham was a guest teacher in my Dance Criticism class, and she is now part of the dance department, so I was expecting to see my fourth or fifth piece by her.  She was not in the program, but the first dance was so clearly her choreography that someone either stole her whole shtick, or she's changed her name.  There was also a performance by the new hip hop class which is not going to win any competitions anytime soon.  I feel like Niles and/or Frasier over here, poo-pooing the whole thing, so I'll tell you what I did like.

A piece narrated by Carl Sagan started the second half, which started to be interesting.  It should have been done by one dancer instead of twelve, but they've got to fit a lot of dancers in somewhere.  The next one was probably the most intriguing, with interesting costumes, music, and holy shit, some innovative dancing!  It had some ruts, but it was completely workable and finally caught my attention.  Also in the second half was a solo performance by the new dance teacher.  I had panned her first piece, but this one made me reconsider.  She had everyone caught.  Nice job.  The last one was a horrible piece of tribal caca with my least favorite dance move ever: everyone runs around the stage in a big circle.  Ooo.  Didn't see that coming.

And while I'm back to negativity, let me tell you about the weirdest thing ever.  One dance started with all the girls in costumes that were essentially a bra and underwear.  Across the back of the stage were two clotheslines with dresses that came straight from the prairie.  Halfway through the dance, they all go get their dresses and put them on.  I was horrified.  For one, I'm sure these were legitimate costumes according to somebody, but no, not really.  It was underwear.  Can you imagine?  Not like a bodysuit kind of costume where you're supposed to see a dancer's form, blah blah blah, but underwear.  It was uncomfortable, and not in an artsy fartsy kind of way.  If that's not bad enough, they have dyed the one black girl's underwear brown.  You're not trying to match skin tone on anybody else, you're trying to go for underwear!  What the fuck!  And how about some bloomers, you perverts!  That would go better with the whole Oklahoma/Appalachian Spring vibe you're trying to pull off!  Jesus.

As with all my dance review disclaimers, if anyone other than Mom or Tracy is still reading this, I apologize.  They like reading my dance reviews, and are probably having a lot of fun imagining the show.  Hopefully you are too.  It's on again tomorrow night.  Don't go see it.

Please turn off your cell phones

Well, I don't have any trouble making it to dance shows, Tracy, find comfort in that.

They have helpfully noted the dates of the spring dance shows on the back of the program, so they are already in my calendar.

This is my favorite kind of dance show: varied. Even if you hate one, it will be over soon and then they'll do something different.

One minute to go!

Just the hum of the refrigerator

It's not late yet, but it feels that way.  I'm already yawning- it will be an early night for me- and I am contemplating a warm bath.  I have been feeling very torn over whether to go or stay, what to do with my beloved stuff, weighing my love for my small city and beautiful apartment against being back in my circle and making some serious strides forward in my debt...

It's hard to figure this out.  It's hard to decide, and I have already committed and reconsidered many times.  Tonight I was walking out the door to go to Zumba when my cousin called, and it was one of those conversations that makes you glad you didn't just make plans to call back.  In a nutshell, she laid it out for me- sliced right through my but this and but thats.  Entirely logical, with just the right amount of spiritual insight and encouragement.  I took Riley and charged around the block to make up for at least some of my lack of exercise.

Now I'm spending some quiet time before I go do some Spanish lessons on Duolingo.  It's free, you know.

The animals are napping nearby, and I feel calm and happy.  For now.  Check with me tomorrow.

High blood sugar is just so hiLARious.

I tried searching for a blood sugar app on my phone.  The first thing the search yielded was The Red Hot Chili Peppers' Blood Sugar Sex Magik album.  Huh.  Never put that together before.

The next thing I found was a Blood Sugar Monitor Prank app.  "Blood Sugar Monitor Prank is designed to fool your acquaintances and friends to think they have high blood sugar!  Play with Blood Sugar Monitor Prank and have fun many times at the expense of your friends.  Press and hold for two seconds to get measurement.  When finger is not moved on screen a message with high blood sugar is displayed and ambulance siren sound is played.  Don't tell your friends this: you only get normal blood sugar if you move your finger a little bit when holding finger on screen."

Content Rating: Low maturity


Hahahahahaha.  Let's pretend for a moment that you're playing this prank on someone who doesn't realize that you can't test your blood sugar on your phone.  Hahahahaha...  If they don't know that, how are they going to be properly horrified by your fake reading?


This search for a blood sugar tracker app was prompted by what must be the fifth person to ask me if I have lost weight.  This most recent person is a nurse here at work, and when I told her I had no idea if I've lost weight because I don't have a scale, she laughed her conversationally polite yet slightly disapproving laugh and invited me to join the Home Telehealth program.  They send you things like a scale and a blood pressure cuff for free, and you plug in your numbers daily into a machine.  When your numbers are out of line, the nurse in charge of your case gets a flag and they call you.

"I see you put in that your blood pressure was 291/12, and I was just calling to check and make sure you're still alive."
"Hmm, it looks as though you've lost 100 pounds in 2 days, are you feeling ok?"

Whether it's clearly a typo or not, the nurse has to call.  I don't want to do it because 1) I work with these people and 2) it will drive me up a wall if I hear from them every time my blood sugar is even slightly outside the acceptable range.  There's also a question about your mood.  Can you imagine having to field suicide questions any time you answer that you're feeling a little down?

It's a great program for a lot of people, and it's meant as a preventive measure: to keep daily track of a patient's blood pressure, blood sugar, etc., and it gives their doctor a LOT more information, plus there's more accountability than just asking the patient to keep track.  If they go more than a couple days without entering information, the nurse calls.  And calls.  And calls.

For me... I'm not sure I need a free scale that bad.  I pay the gym every month and I'm sure there's a scale there somewhere.  But she reminded me that weight loss in a diabetic can be a terrible thing and asked about my blood sugar, acknowledging that it was none of her business.  I said everything was fine, but she got me wondering because you know how oblivious I can be.  I checked my meter- my averages are good, but maybe I need to start a log again and keep an eye on any problems.

I just went back to talk to that nurse because now she's got me freaked out that I'm doing the same thing as 12 years ago when my blood sugar was out of control, I lost all that weight, my body was eating itself, and Dana asked me how she could get diabetes.  The nurse asked me about my averages and exercise- she thinks I have boosted my metabolism.  Then I remembered the Metformin, which is supposed to increase insulin sensitivity and has a side effect of weight loss and she tried to help me understand how increasing insulin sensitivity will help the whole picture.  I'm still a little confused about how insulin sensitivity affects weight loss, but I'm willing to accept that.  Plus, the endocrinologist said that it takes a year for Depo Provera to get completely out of your system.  Depo Provera is a form of birth control that works by making you lose hair and gain a bunch of weight, making you completely unattractive to your mate.  I think maybe the combination of Depo leaving my system and Metformin coming in is contributing and yes, I will start making Zumba a habit again, since that was helping.  As an added benefit, I have Pantene hair now.  I'll be in their commercials soon, making tons of money and paying off my student loans.

No cerveza for you.

Just a mild amount of beer, and I'm over here chattering back at Duolingo.

Hablas espanol?  Do you speak Spanish?

Hablo espanol.  I speak Spanish.

Tu no bebes.  You do not drink.

Yo bebo.  I drink.

Sunny, warm days are made for naps with the windows open

It is a lovely day today, warm enough to sit outside on my porch in a t-shirt and enjoy the sunshine.  And pants.  I am wearing pants, too, don't worry.

I've got my watered down fountain drink beside me (I'll quit tomorrow, Tracy.) as well as one or both of my animals as they lay out in the sunshine, get overheated and periodically go inside to get some water.  I am grateful for this fabulous apartment and the big tree that filters the sunlight.  I would make some comment about global warming, except that October was frickin' cold, and it will get cold again soon.  For now, it's a lovely day.

Before the battery dies, I need to announce my win in the Reno News & Review's 95 Word Fiction Contest.  Hooray!

http://www.newsreview.com/reno/dynamite-comes-in-small-packages/content?oid=11970988

I caught the announcement this year and decided that- come hell or high water- I was going to enter.  I enlisted Tracy's help for editing and encouragement, and she was awesome with her timely feedback and shooting down my self-conscious defenses.  I tried to follow a loose requirement of working on one daily, and ended up submitting four.  They printed three of those, which blew me away.  I am honestly most proud of entering the contest at all, and as far as I can remember, this is the first piece of writing I have submitted anywhere since high school, and I missed the deadline on that.  Procrastination is my biggest problem.  Stephen King wrote a book called On Writing, and most of what I remember about his advice (aside from writing in everyday language), is the discipline required.  Perhaps I need to give myself a schedule or at least one day a week where that's my job.  I do want to write, I enjoy writing, and this... this is such incredible encouragement.

In addition to such amazing ego-boosting from the contest's judges, I received a tremendous amount of love from my family and friends in response to this link on Facebook.  My heart has been pounding ever since I hit the send button on my entries, and I feel so filled up with love, support, and encouragement that I can't possibly absorb it all right now, but I will be rolling around in the overflow for quite some time.

I do not currently feel a mania to rush around doing chores today.  I have some errands to run and I am also rolling around in an overflow of laundry, but I feel happy and peaceful and unrushed- perhaps because my cushy government job is giving me a paid day off on Monday, so I get to go over to Squeeze In for my free breakfast for veterans, YUM.

It's so quiet in here- just the hum of the fridge and the cars outside.  In apartment complexes, I always feel like the cars are like bees, flying in and out of the hive all day long.  Solo is out on the porch, curled up in my chair, and I am inside attached to the power cord with Riley at my feet.  She's losing some vision, and can no longer find me if the sound of my voice is bouncing off of anything, so on my list of errands today is Big Lots, so I can go find a retractable leash.  I'm going to make a vet appointment to see if they can give me some kind of parameters for how bad it is or what to look for.  I don't think they'll be able to tell me too much more than I already know, but maybe they can warn me of what I don't know or what I can't see.

I'm hungry and I need to get some groceries, but these lulling noises are putting me down for a nap.  Mmmm.  Happy nap.

Accu-Chek Complicated Machinery

Went to meet a couple friends for dinner and drinks and my lancet device (aka stabber) decided it was dead.  This meant that I had to take the lancet out of the device and jam it directly into my hand, which is one of my very least favorite things to do on earth.  What makes the device preferable is that it has a spring inside, so it's a very quick jab, and you can also set the depth of the jab.  Neither of those benefits is available in the self-jabbing method.  I tend to stab myself very slowly (Little did you know that my minor was not art, but actually masochism.) so as not to hurt myself more than necessary, so I have to push the lancet into my finger a little further each time to get enough blood, all the while saying OW OW OW.

I decided to keep the broken lancet device on the table (much to the delight of my dinner companions, I'm sure) to remind myself to drive over to Walmart afterwards to buy a new one.  Brilliant!  Except, at the end of dinner, I just got up, put it in my pocket, and drove home.  I must have used up all my brilliance on Sunday, when I thought to check the gym shoes Chris had just bought for Ant to make sure they were both the same size.  Ding ding ding!  One was 10 1/2, the other was 11.  It would have been awful to get all the way out to Topaz the night before he had to have the shoes to figure that out.

I really didn't want to drive to Walmart tonight, so I checked my box of extra diabetes crap to see if I happened to have an extra lancet device.  Why yes, I do!  But that one's busted, too.  Let me just put that back in the box and see what else we've got.  Ooh, this one looks fancy.



I had a small, sealed bag with two of those little drums, so I ripped it open and tried to figure it out.  Pulled the cap off, stuck a drum inside, turned this, turned that, pulled, played Bop-It... nothing.  Pulled the drum out, tried flipping it over, pull, twist, spin... nothing.  Pulled out the laptop and googled it.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/pM8aZJQ5Kb0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Learned that I had the drum in the right way the first time, but pulling it back out made the red stripe visible, which means that the whole frigging drum is now deemed useless and will not go back in.  I just wasted six lancets.  Nice.  Next, follow the instructions, insert new drum, use low depth setting as suggested, prime the device by pushing the plunger all the way down, make Hulk noises as I learn that "all the way down" is deceiving advice because the release button has already turned yellow, press the release button as I hold the device against the heel of my hand, and... dink.  The depth setting is too shallow and I have to squeeze and squeeze and SQUEEZE the heel of my hand until I milk enough blood out to fill a test strip.  As I'm squeezing, I realize that if I want to try again to get more blood, like I could with my (broken) lancet device, I would be forced to use a new lancet each time.  Seeing as how the lancet drum has to advance after each lancet deployment, I think I had better save my remaining lancets until I can get back to Walmart to buy another $6 plain lancet device.

"Isn't that easy?" says the clearly non-diabetic Australian lady.

Friday Brain

In protest for still being at work on Friday afternoon, I ate popcorn, dropped lots on the floor, then accidentally stepped all over it and broke it into tiny pieces that are impossible to pick up.  The vacuum cleaner is apparently busted, so I am going to look like a slob for a while.  I'll remember to care on Monday.

I'm going to keep checking my phone until it says 4:30.  I've got a $10 Kohls reward burning a hole in my pocket- think I need a new Sonoma shirt.  Perhaps some lovely new socks that cost way too much to consider without said coupon.

I have tiny bits of popcorn hiding in my fleece zippy thanks to static electricity.  I shake the zippy, I brush the popcorn bits, but they don't go anywhere.  What the farrrrrrg.

I got a couple jerky people in a row earlier and struggled hard to build my character.  I needed a Diet Pepsi to wash it down, but I'm good now.

Just found out I'm not the only one having popcorn mishaps.  Jeff said he was in the breakroom eating popcorn while the boss was meeting with some folks, went to grab the bag and leave, picked up the wrong end of the bag, and dumped popcorn all over the floor.  That's awesome.

Still here

This is the point in the day when I start to feel murderous.  Do not send me a view alert or I will stab you in the heart with it.

Blood sugar's good, not hungry... hmmm... perhaps dark chocolate deprived.  I have not been eating my one piece a day, looks like it's no longer in my system.

I am looking forward to a weekend with nothing in it.  I need to catch up on my Goodreads challenge.  They tell me I'm a couple books behind for my 2013 goal, and I am all about accomplishing goals this year.  I would also like to watch movies and take Riley for walks and car rides.

I helped Chris move.  He's now in an apartment, trying to get a clean start.  I am glad- he seems like the person I knew again, unburying himself not just from this past year's bullshit, but bullshit from many years.  He is sad and sorry and seems very insistent on cleaning up his messes, so I am very glad about that.  What's interesting is being in the place that I am.  I saw the house and yes, it is a disaster, but it didn't feel like my home anymore.  I was disappointed- shaking my head and trying to keep my mouth shut because none of it needed to be said, but I took good care of that house.  I fought for that house, I cleaned it, blah blah blah... But I left it a year ago.  I'm glad the girl is gone and that I did not go there while she was in that house, but now it's quiet and chaos-free with just a sad mess left behind.  He's dealing with the rental office, being honest so they already know what to expect, and setting up arrangements to pay for it.

Ant's staying in Topaz for now, going to school nearby.  I got a stern few texts from Tracy telling me to stay away, but I only made one fax and several phone calls- one to the school and many to Elaine- providing a much needed foot in the ass to get Ant enrolled.  Yeah, I know, I should back off and let them deal, but the only person that hurts is Ant.  And I didn't drive down there and enroll him myself, but as soon as I found out he wasn't in school yet, I cracked the whip until it was done.  It's a metaphor, but not by much.  I was furious.

I came home from that weird moving day(s) and just felt so happy to be in my own place.  I have been so bored, so irritated with the current unexcitement, and that was a very helpful reminder.  I don't live in chaos anymore.  My bills are paid.  I have paid off a good amount of debt, and have plans in place to pay off more.  My home is calm, safe.  I do hope that Chris creates that- it sounds like he really wants it- but I am not offering mine and he is not asking.

I talked to Shannon briefly on moving day and when I told her what I was doing, she asked me why, but then said she was not surprised.  Let's hope that's a "because you're a kind person" and not a "because you're a mushy doormat."  I don't feel like a doormat.  I feel like this is within my abilities, though I am paying very close attention to the emotional radar.  I feel more distance than I thought I would, which surprises me.  I still care, I still have love, but I am also very aware of the damage done and the fact that life is better now than it was then.  I can't quite reconcile those conflicting feelings, but I am very reserved about what I do with them.

I am really, really glad that I am the kind of person who is willing to help.  It felt like bitterness and anger was going to live with me forever and I am so relieved to see a future without that.  I promise that in future relationships, I will not let the justification for such anger and bitterness go on so long.  For now, I am happy to live in my little cocoon and rest.

Yeah, I still need to move on to a new job, a new place, start something new and go after whatever I feel super excited about.  I don't know yet which is the best place to go, now that there are some Godfather offers on the table, and I want to take a moment to address one very valid concern that several of you have shared.  I should go whererever I want to, you're right.  And I will.  For now I feel a pull and yes, a mild obligation, to go back to the East Coast.  I'm not going to stay there, so soak it up, Ma!  I will leave again, but I do think it would be nice and needed to have that love and support around me for a while.  I'll get over that quickly, I'm sure (ha ha), and will start to be antsy and annoyed and then you can remind me that it's probably time to be adventurous again.  I love that while you want me there, you're still encouraging me to do what I need.  I love you, and I promise you I won't stay.  You'll all be so over my company that you'll be urging me to go live on a ranch in Montana.  Which I may do, you never know.

I know I've been quiet lately, especially here.  I've just been processing, I guess.  I guess before, I had a picture of where things were going and I don't have that anymore.  No idea, really, and maybe that's a good thing.  I don't know what the hell happened, I don't know what's going to happen... guess I just have to focus on what's happening right now.

Right now I'm doing laundry, right now I'm walking the dog, right now I'm eating dinner.

Right now I feel pretty calm, so let me get back on the phone.

Endings make room for beginnings.

It may have felt like home, but it's not home anymore.

New Job Title (Don't get excited, Mom.)

I took Riley out for a walk and ran into Jody.  We walked around for a while, then looped back over to her house.  While we were busy yakking, Riley disappeared into her house.  Jody went in after her and found her at the water bowl.  It made me feel like a bad dog mom, but I also love that Riley knows Jody well and knows that she's bound to have fresh dog water inside.  Riley has been pretty grumpy over the last couple days.  Solo has been messing with her at night, which is prompting a nasty response.  Those of you who have ever tried to cuddle with Riley know better.  You would think the cat would have figured this out by now.  Let's hope she figures it out quickly.

I brushed them both earlier.  They both stretched out on the floor and relaxed, but Solo's the only one who tried to go eat the pile of hair I pulled out of the brush.  No, ding dong, we're trying to AVOID hairballs.

I'm ready for my next challenge at work.  I'm bored and unamused at the Call Center, except for today when I answered the phone and some guy started explaining, "Yeah, I talked to one of your call girls earlier..."  Oh my.

Nice Day

I wish I could take a picture (easily). of my new phone case, because it has an adorable giraffe and giraffe patterns on it. I could take a picture with my camera and download it and upload it and all that nonsense, but I'd rather you see it in person someday and say, "Oh my GOD, that is so CUTE!" Because those moments are important to me, you see. I think I also have a screen protector on it now, but I can't exactly tell because it had a "peel this off before application" side and a "peel this off after application" side and I think something was left on the screen, but I'm not entirely sure. I can't quite see consulting Geek Squad, as I'm sure I'd get the "can't wait to laugh at you after you're gone" look.

Today I met Elaine and Ant in Carson for the Ghost Walk. (See, I capitalized Ghost Walk because that's its name, not because it's important.) It was supposed to be 90 minutes, but it was TWO AND A HALF HOURS. Ant got whiny about two hours in. I got whiny shortly after that. We had fun and got to see lots of history, including a house that used to be a Pony Express station. The Young Riders, Tracy! Mmm, Josh Brolin. We also got to creep around inside the governor's mansion, which could also be capitalized, but I want to emphasize that he actually lives there. We met his cat.

It was a good day. Elaine was bringing Ant up to Chris's for room cleaning and such, and wanted to stop by and see my place, so I sped home and did a quick dash to hide any underwear or dirty dishes. We were outside when they showed up and Riley gave me a look like, "Was that GRANDMA!?!" and ran over to her truck, tried to jump in, and fell out. Oh, Riley. We cooed, but she was too excited and ran circles around us and led us inside. Elaine loved my place and I do too.

You should totally watch everything I recommend.

My new pedometer is lying on the floor where it fell off my pocket several hours ago.  It may stay there.  This is why I can't ever get a new pedometer- no other pedometer makers seem to understand that it needs to clip on, not slide on.  Stupid new pedometer.  I should have left it under the toilet where it fell earlier.

Someone higher up pooped on the idea of me writing for the Creative Arts Festival because the call center is "short-handed."  Yes, and how is that different than any other day?  In completely unrelated news, I brought my packet including resume over to HR.  My boss felt really bad about the writing news.  When she found out, she came to give me a hug and called the public affairs officer all day to try to work something out.  Keep your fingers crossed.

I spent a few minutes feeling very devastated, but pulled it together.  I already had my packet ready and was just waiting on a response from HR, but walked it over there uninvited.  I cleaned up my desk (I'm a piler, not a filer) and set my mind on accomplishing tasks this weekend.

I've got a messy kitchen, but two loads of laundry done, plus I watched the most excellent movie.  It's called The Intouchables and it won oodles of awards.  It's French and set in Paris, so now I have Marty's attention.  It's really, really good and funny and warm and sad and everything you want in a movie.  I did my trademark

HAHAHAHAHA

through the whole thing, it was so funny.  Tracy, Mom, and Marty, I'm looking at you three, although I would tell anyone to watch this.  Right now I'm looking at its blurb screen on Netflix and it has a rating of 5 stars minus one tiny corner.  Awesome, awesome movie.

So now it's not quite late enough to go to bed on a Friday night, so I'm going to listen to music while I clean my kitchen.  Then I'll fidditz around for a few hours until I finally yell at myself to go to bed, already!  How the hell do you spell fidditz?

Oh boy!

Now I'm one of those people who takes a picture of a magazine because EW put cast members from a favorite TV show of mine on the cover. Never thought it would happen to me but here I am, all excited.

Let's hug it out, shall we?

Yesterday, a coworker came over to join another coworker and I, ready to sneer some more at the so-called Obamacare.  It still surprises me to find Republicans that are not rich, but there are lots of them here.  At work, I try to not participate in political discussions because I have to spend so much time with these people that I already struggle to like some of them.  When he came over, it was to provide yet another example of how jacked up it all is, and after all this shutdown nonsense, I was not in the mood to field another negative shot about Obama from somebody who had no answers or suggestions, just wanted to tear it all down.  “How about we just… don’t,” I asked (a little bit snotty), but he was already on a roll.  The example he gave this time was about a realtor and what they would have to pay for insurance under this plan.  That was too much for me, because I have yet to meet a struggling realtor, especially here.  I said as much, and he had a debate partner for a couple minutes.  That went nowhere, as expected, and I asked again if we could just not discuss it, this time clearly annoyed.

A few minutes later, he asked if we had seen the new Walking Dead episode, and my other coworker said no, and not to spoil it for her.
 
“Sheesh, what CAN I talk to you two about?"
 
“Baby animals,” I replied.


Today, I was looking at an asinine, apocalyptic post on Facebook about Obama, and felt bad about how I had handled the situation yesterday.  I brought a little bit of frustration.  This morning, he came over to show me some changes coming down from the business services office, and we were right back onto healthcare.  He said he saw an outside doctor, but kept the VA as a backup.  I resisted the urge to comment on socialized medicine, and instead told him that I was not trying to be a jerk yesterday.  He stopped me and said that he had been thinking about it afterwards, and wanted to tell me that a year ago I never would have said anything at all, just slunk back into my cubicle to avoid the conversation entirely.  He said he was happy that I spoke my mind, even if he didn’t share my opinion.  He thinks it has to do with being in this work environment, and maybe it partly does, but I’m sure it has more to do with not being in my relationship anymore.  I have been growing more assertive over this last year, and I just got confirmation of that from someone who knows almost nothing about my life outside of work. 
 
That makes me feel even more so that this friendship that recently hit the dirt was not so much me being an asshole, as has been suggested, but me being assertive.  That’s what I really feel after taking time to think about it: sad about losing a friend, but disinclined to apologize for behavior that I feel was appropriate, kind, and caring.  I think what’s fucked up there is the interpretation taken, and I can’t control that.  I think the negative comments she made towards me belong where they came from, and I think the true problem is that I spoke up at all.  That’s how I feel, but now the problem is how to let her know my response without overly explaining myself or actually being an asshole, which is REALLY tempting, but it’s more important to me to not return that favor.


I was just brought another editing project by a coworker.  It was cute how he tried to argue semicolons with me.

Now, according to WebMD, my twitchy eyelid is caused by stress, lack of sleep, caffeine, or Tourette’s.  I think it’s probably the FUCKSHITGODDAMMIT first three, don’t you?

It's all I can do not to skip down the hallway.

Who just updated her resume and sent it off to her magnificent sister to be reviewed?  Yes, that would be me.  I am feeling superfabulous right now because I also have my other forms filled out and ready to go.  Tracy is making me feel awesome about my project, and I packed lots of veggies and fruit in my lunch.  I cooked dinner last night and am looking forward to leftovers.  I was just looking at my pedometer this morning and thinking I needed to get a new one and POOF!  Jeff had a bunch of free stuff for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, so now I have a brand new Celebrity Apprentice pedometer.  It not only measures steps and miles, but it also measures calories and kilometers.  That may not come in handy, but hey, it’s fancy!  Oh, and guess what?  I transferred the credit card balance for the board to a credit card through my credit union, hoping for a lower interest rate than 27%.  I qualified for 9.25%, but I just found out that I'm not getting charged any interest at ALL, because it's a transferred balance.  Holy cow.

Last night I watched This Is The End, the silly apocalypse movie with Seth Rogan.  It’s a combination action/comedy and I actually got startled enough at one point that I yelled out!  Then I laughed, because I seriously cannot remember the last movie that made me do that. 

I have my review with the chiropractor today to go over my xrays, so it’s good that I’m all bubbly and happy now, because it’s not going to be good news.  He’s already told me I have the back of a 60-year-old woman and there’s a whole mess of vertebrae out of place.  Tracy says it’s like the Wii- this is the age I start out at, then I work towards something better.  Still, ugh.  And extra UGH, because I can’t even stand the thought of someone messing with my spine.  My massage was nice, though.  Not especially pleasant or relaxing, but very helpful.  My hips felt better immediately and I don’t think it’s even possible to do those stretches alone.  She pronounced my shoulders a rock garden and worked out the knots while I decided that the hole in the face donut is to let the drool fall through.  “I’m not hurting you on purpose,” she told me.  “I’m hurting you WITH purpose.”  Oh, well that makes all the difference.

I intend to tell this chiropractor that in order to see me again, he’s going to have to give me a deal.  Poor people need adjustments, too.  I think I’m going to work on my hips first, because they cause me the most pain and eventually, if I trust him, I’ll let him adjust my neck.  Ugh ugh ugh I can’t think about it.  Excuse me, I need to go lie flat on the floor for a while.

A small celebration

One year on my own.

Well, that was a much needed boost.

I was feeling like an unproductive slug, but then I realized that I do have creative projects in the works.  One is going to take more work and editing, but I am proud of myself because I have been coming back to it, as opposed to just starting it and then procrastinating.  This is a challenge I have given myself that I really want to meet, and I'm doing it.  That feels so good.  Half of what I've done is workable.  That's a lot more than I thought I would get.  I am thrilled.

I know I'm being vague, but that's how I want it for now.

My other vague project just got a light bulb moment.  I just now figured out which component I was missing.  I still have to play with it to find out how it all goes together, but now I'm really excited about it.  It's a small, silly thing that is going to make me feel so happy to do.  It's already making me happy.

And here I am thinking that I'm a slug because my floors are not freshly vacuumed.  I forgot about these things, or perhaps they did not register as something that goes on the to do list.  I would rather do these things than chores, even though I do love a clean house.  These are more important- the lasting things- the things that make an impression.  They are my dent in the world.  My counselor poked at me about this months ago, asking me to imagine my funeral:

"That Jenny, she sure had a clean apartment!"

So hell yeah for productivity on creative projects!  I am also taking another crochet class this week, I have a deadline for an updated resume, I'm taking free Spanish lessons on Duolingo, and tomorrow is baking day.  I've got this.

'Cause we are the champions

And by the way, I drove Ant out to Topaz last night and while we talked most of the way, during the last leg from Gardnerville we listened to Queen on my iPod.  Ant's voice is changing pretty drastically and he was full of snot, but we had a full out concert in the car, wailing the words we knew and messing up and car dancing like idiots.  We had the windows down for Riley and the drive was beautiful as always and we were happy and laughing.  That was one of those moments that you know is being cemented into memory as it's happening.  We sang for the rest of the way there.  It was awesome.

Plunge

Argh.  I can't help but share.  I seek out comfort and opinions from those I love and respect, then I do asinine things that are often the opposite of what you have very logically recommended.  I love you, and I know it's maddening.  It feels maddening to me to know that you are right and to be completely unable to disagree and have trouble anyway.  I want to trust that life will get better soon, but it is really hard to have the faith to walk towards what I don't know.  Maybe I just haven't done it in a really long time.  When was the last time you did?  I mean a huge, completely uprooting change with nobody along for the ride.  I can't tell if I just hate endings or if I'm terrified or if there is something actually wrong that gives me such pause.  Don't you decide that for me.

I do know it's not fair for me to continue to feel like this and I feel, probably like you do, that I should be wrapping this up by now.  Wish I could.  I think of Persepolis, when Marji's relationship doesn't work out and her grandmother, consoling her, says, "You're crying because you were wrong."  I think that sucks and is a horrible thing to say, even if it's right.  I do feel like things went horribly awry somewhere, and I can't get past the way things should have been.  This is where faith comes in, I know, but I don't know if I've ever learned how to let go, and this is the HARDEST thing to let go of.  It hurts, it hurts.  I still feel stunned.

There is another line from a song that has taken over my thoughts lately:

Will I disappoint my future if I stay


Everyone is excited about the idea of me coming back to the East Coast.  How come I'm not?  I absolutely miss you all so much, but some days it feels right and in the works, and some days it doesn't feel right at all.  Riley didn't want to leave Topaz today.  She loves it there, but she wants me to stay there, too.  It can't ever be both.  I keep telling myself it doesn't have to be forever, and maybe living outside of that area will make a big difference, but the idea of going back depresses me, like it's a dreaded task that has to be done.  I doubt it's supposed to feel like that, and I know that piece of information is going to hurt- even though it has nothing to do with how much I love you all and how much I miss you and want to be close to you.  It makes me feel awful because it is not where I want to be.

So there, I said it.  Maybe I'll feel totally different, maybe I'll love it, maybe there's some great story that I'm going to be a part of and I just can't see that now.  I have been feeling like such a fucking drama queen for a while now, but I'm pretty sure that has a lot more to do with the situation than just how I am.  Maybe by that time, I'll be ready to go.

A sign

I was driving back from Topaz and just as I was feeling the full weight of the pulls on my heart, there was a sign that read, "Life gets better soon."

:)

Turk sleeping on my feet.

Yuval Ron Ensemble

Some unexpected events tried to derail me, but I made it. This is fun, interesting, and rejuvenating. I may buy a cd. And I saw a whirling dervish! Finally, finally, finally. Unbelievable and amazing. And the guest player- a woman with the original version of what eventually became castanets! Incredible.

Also, some lady in the audience is wearing a shirt that says:

Earth without art is just "Eh."

I couldn't agree more.

Where did that evening go?

Well, I'm feeling better.

I dropped my phone for the fifteenth time this Sunday and finally cracked the screen, so I called on the insurance and already have a replacement.  What makes this phone so exciting is that it has the camera on both sides, so I can actually see my selfies and where the button is!  Technology is amazing.  As an added bonus, all my pictures transferred, which apparently was unlikely because my sd card was so little.  I am so far behind- I have no idea what's going on.  I promise, phone gods, if I can make it to this weekend, I'll go buy a screen protector and a case this time.

I have things to look forward to.  I'm not going to share them because that will jinx everything, so just imagine me doing my happy wiggle.  I do think that it helped to vent, so thanks for putting up with that.  I think tonight's a bath night.  I did two loads of laundry and finished off the remaining third of the pot pie mmmmmmmm.  Every time my spoon broke through the crust and struck the glass plate, Riley would bolt across the room.  LOUD NOISES!  (Tracy, you should probably watch Anchorman at some point.)

I'm going to do another crochet class with my crochet friend, so I guess this means I ought to finish up the first square I started.  I already bought another ball of yarn and am armed with Michaels and Joann coupons, now I just need the crochet compulsion to kick in.  Where is all this free time I'm supposed to have?

Projectile Venting

I don't think it's the weather putting me in this mood.  I like the rain, I like fall, I like the cold.  I like having a reason to wear gloves and hats and warm, snuggly coats.

There have been several situations going on that are making me feel like an asshole, and I have been trying them on and I'm not sure that they are really mine to wear.

I feel a little fed up with a lot of things.  I have a lot of really nasty things to say and I wish I could just fill a balloon with them and send them away, but they would just hang around my feet.  I was thinking earlier that the nice thing about reading my blog vs having a conversation with me is that you can just skip this if you don't want to hear about it.

Chris told me that Trampolina won't lose her pregnancy- essentially because of Murphy's Law.  Oh, he deserves it, and so does she, but I feel so bad for that kid.  I have so much to add to that, but I have to keep my mouth shut.  I feel terrible for Ant, who is trying so hard to make the best of things.  I hope the two of them stay together forever, making each other miserable and leaving everybody else alone.  They won't, of course.  They are already cheating and lying and treating each other like shit.  They both deserve that, but they don't deserve Ant.  I might as well get some of this out.  I am feeling a bit upset that I left such an intact situation for her to move right into while I got to start over.  That's ok, though.  They might have started out with everything, but they are working hard on losing it all.  That makes me sad because I wonder what the hell we did all that for.

I am glad I got to take Ant to the Outhouse Races.  I am glad I got time to spend with him, which I don't often get to do.  I am glad I was able to get him together with his best friend.  I think they both really needed that.  I think that should probably be understandable, that takes priority, and I'm not feeling horribly apologetic about it.

I also feel justified in withholding my $5 contribution to the new office microwave until the next payday.  You should have asked people first, rather than just buying the damn thing and telling everyone what they owed you.

As for the friend that I thought was a friend but turned out to be... hmm, ought to be careful how I address this- I want to be fair... how about this: you are exactly what I saw the whole time but was accepting of.  I see now that we were fine as long as I went along with everything you said and did.  When I finally shared my opinions on the only two things I could not ignore, I tried to be very careful, constructive, and kind.  (I also said such things in person, pointed look.)  I was really surprised by your words for me (months and months later), and I hit the brakes hard to avoid sending a shitty response back.  I was so torn for days, thinking about how I really do not like burning bridges (clearly), but what I eventually realized was that it wasn't me burning this bridge.  Your words were all destructive and you seemed to have no interest in repairing or improving our friendship.  I think that sucks, and I will always remember the awesome things about you and be grateful for your presence in my life while I had it, but I am through hanging onto people who try to shake me loose.  I'm not sure why you do this, but I know well that I am not the only one, so I'm going to try not to take this personally.  I did try your words on- over and over, and I looked hard at the mirror, but I'm sorry- they do not fit, so I am not going to wear them.  Maybe you should try them on.  ;)

Whew, glad that's out.  Don't worry, that's not for you.  I will address all that stuff directly to the people I need to, just needed to vent a bit- feel out what I really wanted to say.  Maybe I'll be able to leave even more out the next time and preserve some dignity.  I'm tired of being angry and trying to swallow this stuff down.  As for Chris and that diseased, disgusting whore girl, I would love to not be the bitter ex-girlfriend.  I wonder if I will ever stop being angry about that.  There is no resolution, and Mom's right- there is no reason.  I suspect that when this topic comes up in the future, I may scare some people with a Tourette's-like reaction.  But with practice, I'll be able to recover quickly and say something kind, like, "It ended" without spitting out all the gory details.  I want to be able to be kind.  I also want to be able to do as well as I should be able to and not have to pay for his bills, but now that he's got another...  Deep breaths, Jenny.  Don't say it, don't think about it, just figure out a way through it by your damn self.

I just counted it out this morning- if Trampolina does have a baby, it'll be due right about the time that I am moving away from here.  What perfect timing.

Quiet Sunday

Tonight I am settling in with a chicken patty and steamed vegetables for dinner.  I just finished watching The Queen of Versailles, which is both depressing and incredible- I highly recommend it.  It's amazing, and it makes you think about what it really means to be rich as opposed to what we think it means.

I had a good weekend.  I got to see Ant and spend time with him, talk with him, listen to him, ask him questions.  He's keenly aware of what's wrong, but is making the best of it.  I get the sense that Chris is trying to make the best of it as well, and there is something very commendable in that.  I got to provide Ant an escape from all that for a little while, which I am so grateful I could do.

The movie and my weekend are making me think about happiness and greed.  I think my life is very good and that I ought to be more grateful for what I do have.  I have wonderful, incredible, fabulous people in my life.  I have a safe, comfortable, calming, beautiful home.  I have a dog that likes vegetables.

Jody and I took the dogs and her son on a long walk today, plus I got a little time in the little dog park before that.  It was beautiful out today, and I feel like a good dog mom.

I have done a lot of things over the last year with the intention of honoring a promise I made to be kind.  I didn't yank anything away- I let him remove himself first.  If I had to take something away, there was plenty of warning and time.  The worst things from me were said, not done.  I feel justified in everything I have said, but I feel like that's the line, and being allowed to say how I feel doesn't mean I get to act on it.  What I get to do is be in a safe place that I can afford alone, have a boring, frustrating, but steady job, and have such a quiet, calm life for once that I get bored and create excitement where it belongs- in a positive light rather than dark and dangerous.  What I have is what I have created- with the unbelievable help and support from people who really love me and care about me.  Sustaining that is my own job, while I work to

Say I'm an airplane
And the gashes I got from my heartbreak
Make the slots and the flaps upon my wing
And I use them to give me lift
Thank you, Fiona.  This time here alone in my cocoon, where I lick my wounds and learn what I am... I'm not reforming in here, but rebuilding.

Thank you for listening to all of it and still loving me even when you wanted to shake me.  Thanks for wanting to shake me because you love me.  I promise to always make you want to shake me.  But I also promise you that I am learning.

Outhouse Races

I picked Ant up today and took him to the Outhouse Races in Virginia City.  That was really funny.  Back in the 90s, the city passed an ordinance against outhouses, and the residents apparently protested by bringing their outhouses to the main street.  That's the 1990s, not the 1890s.  They overturned the ordinance, but the side benefit of this protest is the annual Outhouse Races, which mainly features lots of poop jokes.


Here are a few examples of the contenders.  This is during the parade.

UNR has a team.

Here are some of their names to entertain you.  My personal favorite is the Pot Rod.  And just so you know, Julia C. Bulette was a very popular prostitute in Virginia City back in the 1800s.  You can visit the Julia C. Bulette Red Light Museum.  I did, several years ago with Shannon.  It's an enlightening experience.

 

Here's video from a race.  Ant snuck into the finish line crowd and was almost run over.

 

From this video, you can see that UNR is a bunch of pumpkin eaters, opening their door for extra reach.  We didn't catch it here, but I loved how the announcer kept the poop jokes going.  He liked to announce the losers of the race by referring to them as "Number 2."

For those of you who would like to enter next year, you will need strong, fast people to push the outhouse, but from the races we saw, an aerodynamic design is a big help.

Between heats, we wandered around and mainly just found things to eat.  Here we are in Grandma's Fudge Factory (not actually related to the scatological humor). 

Pictures from a couple races.  I love this one.  She looks deadly serious, doesn't she?

Check out the sweatshirts of the guys in front of me.

This is one of the Plungerettes, a team of women who led each heat with some barely organized dance moves.  They were awesome.

I have wanted to go to this since the very first time I heard of it.  In my tenth October here, I finally made it.  If you live in the area or are visiting during this time, you have to go to the Outhouse Races.  It's your doody.