Speed Bump

I thought I would save grocery shopping for tomorrow to give me something to do, but I realized I would have another fruit panic before then, so I headed to Winco.

Near the end I started scoping for good soda deals. Diet Coke was not a deal, so I drove my cart to the end of the aisle to check out the Diet Pepsi. Someone's cart was in the way. I looked up to see... the couples counselor Chris and I went to. I bolted.

This woman had been so kind to us both- we never felt excluded or like she was taking sides. I adored her. There were so many things she was right about. I just couldn't imagine telling her what happened.

Not that she'd ask, I'm sure. She would not be like that lady who turned out to be nothing like Patch Adams. I bet they go through training not to mention the significant other unless they are brought up. I couldn't think of all that, though. All I could do was turn and drive my cart away fast enough without attracting attention. I bought my groceries and left.

In the car, I had that imaginary conversation where I told her what happened. Or at least, what I think happened. How would I possibly summarize that in a grocery store? I feel like it deserves more than a shaking head or the "It's done" thing I keep saying. It's not done. It's still here because I keep having these moments where I look around and wonder what the hell is happening. "But..." people tell me... Yes, yes, wonderful things are coming, I'll be better off, all the things I know and don't care about. I know the sun will shine. I don't need the "but," just acknowledge that it's raining. I'm learning that people lose all empathy once they find out he cheated and did other horrible things, as if that should negate all love and leftover feelings. Thank you for declaring him a worthless dirtbag; I disagree. You may also deem me insane and emotionally retarded and I will try to retain composure and remind you that I loved him and his son. I still do and always will. Sorry. Did I deserve that treatment? No.

Seeing our counselor reminded me of the day in her office in 2010. School had already started before I was informed that I would not be receiving financial aid that semester. We were back in a dark apartment, going to the laundromat, hosting yet another non-paying roommate. Chris said he didn't want to be together anymore. He drove us home and I took the dogs for a walk. It was a hot day and we rested in the grass. There was another dog and Jasmine yanked and broke my hand. I learned to write left-handed and fought for B's; Chris said he wanted to stay together, and not just to help me. In the spring he said he wanted to marry me. Our counselor told us nothing would break up a relationship like planning a wedding. Then, as one of her "success stories," she cut us loose.

That must be a depressing job.

My plan for tonight was to read, write, watch a Frasier episode and laugh, do a puzzle and write letters, take a bath, eat a salad, indulge a little. Now it's 8 and I'm on my second beer and I'm thinking that tomorrow can be most of that. Tonight, I am not match for the weight that pulls me to bed and rest. I think, "Did I really just get here yesterday?" I came home and was so pleasantly surprised by how clean and spare my apartment was. It has been a long, rough ride, and if I am going to make it through, I'm going to need some rest.

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Stupid un-updatable browser

Why can't I fix the picture without deleting the whole damn blog?  I am buying a computer soon.  Stupid government computers stuck in the dark ages...



I forgot to tell you that we drove around to look at Christmas lights Wednesday night. That is a tradition that I really enjoy, so I'm glad we did that. We brought Riley with us, as we have done for many of our errands.
And- my meter has been acting up. I had to switch it out before I left because the battery light kept coming on even with new batteries. So I brought my extra one and it had the battery light on too! I brought an extra battery and last night the meter refused to work. I changed the battery and that didn't work. How do both meters die within a couple weeks of each other for the same reason? Luckily, Dad is also a diabetic, so I used his meter. Then we debated going to the VA and I know the system well enough now to know that we'd have to go the main hospital rather than the local outpatient clinic. We priced new meters and decided it was worth it to just hit the drug store. We picked up a replacement meter for $20. (The meter is cheap- it's the test strips that will bleed you dry). Dad used his rewards card and now the meter is $15. Then we get home and find a card: "$15 rebate!" Nice.

Later that night, we made banana muffins and Stella dropped by to bring me some books she wanted me to read. We were talking a lot about changes at lunch yesterday and she was very excited for me and my new adventures. She also brought me lip gloss. Stella was the Chanel lady at Macy's for many years.
I shared some of my super fancy tea and she wanted to save the packaging, just like I did at the Sea Pearl years ago. We had a nice talk, lots of laughs, and gingerbread cookies. Stella said she didn't normally like gingerbread (because they are always hard) but that these were soft and delicious and she wanted the recipe. Jody was also wary of giving out gingerbread for the same reason, but liked these gingerbread. Because really, who wants hard cookies? Oh- and regarding the sugar cookies, Jody said people kept asking her if they came from a tube. Such people are rude and indiscriminating and for both reasons undeserving of homemade cookies made from scratch.

I am getting up now to do some laundry and eat breakfast. Must get started early because I have to pack the car and today is Dog Beach! More Riley pictures, yay!

Go back to work, already.

Everything I write here today is apparently going to start out as a text to Tracy.

Last night I had a fruit and vegetable panic attack.

(Tracy's thinking: She didn't send me that...)

I got home after my 10 hour drive and ate a handful of Goldfish and took a nap.  Then I woke up and felt an overwhelming need for a cutie.  Of course, I ate at least one a day at Dad's so I must be going through withdrawal.  I NEEDED fruit and I had nothing.  Not even canned fruit, because I brought those to work for such emergencies.  I had nothing but frozen vegetables and I was not about to eat four cups of green beans. Maybe some bell peppers or cucumber slices, but not four cups of hot green beans.  I almost drove back to the store.  Instead I tried to wrestle down the feeling and unpack.  I decided I would eat my canned fruit and go get a salad at lunch.

(Now Tracy is saying: Ahh.)

Here, I'll quote myself:

Holy shit, baja salad from wendy's! Yes, i think i will have some guacamole and little dorito-like strips. Even so, i only got half. Who could eat a whole?

I apologize for my lack of capitalization, I was typing one-handed so I could continue wolfing down my salad.

(I feel like I'm making an Amy Facebook post right now.)

All I know is, yum.  And I would happily order that again.  In fact, it may be difficult to wait.  Guacamole and tiny tortilla chips may not be ideal, but I used less than half of the chips.  I ate all the guacamole.  It's better than a burger.  And I got my veggie craving sated- at least for now.  Tomorrow I will be able to stock up again on all my bell peppers, cucumbers, and grape tomatoes.  And tonight I was going to have a big salad with my moderate indulgence of two slices of pizza (donating the rest to Jody), but today is the last day of Subway's $2 subs, so I may do that instead.  What a deal!  Is it 2013 yet?  I'm starting to have fun.

Resolution Representation #1

I just bought a ticket to go see the Harlem Globetrotters all by my damn self. This is another item on my list that I never got to do in all the time I've been in Reno. Suddenly I realize another small, good thing in all this mess: it's much easier to afford to pay for one ticket. Even with this Groupon deal, it would have cost $100 to take the three of us. Here's to my first solo sporting event. It's New Year's Eve and I have already dedicated myself to one solo outing- a good, brave step towards embracing this change.

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One word makes all the difference

This was Riley- all day long.

I think you were right, Tracy. She must have focused on that key word because she stopped doing panicked laps after I told her we were going home. She started that up immediately at 5:30 this morning on the freeway in the dark when all the lights and signs were still blurry. I had a sleepiness and exhaustion that I did not have Monday and thought I would not be able to contend with her pacing all day. I was using all the same soothing words to comfort her that I had on Monday, but this time I could say we were going home. She looked at me, laid down, and stayed put the whole trip. She looked out the window and sometimes napped, and was the delight of many other drivers.

At home, she ran in to greet the cat, flopped onto a pillow, and sighed. Then she played with her new toy (a Christmas present from Pop) and went to bed. I wasn't far behind her.

I took a loooooooong nap and now I'm ready for a small dinner, a shower, and bed again. I made the trip in ten hours, which is what google clocked, but straight through. I made three stops and hauled ass. I'm glad I left so early- it started snowing around all the Donner-related areas (Really, every time I'm up there in the winter, I think those people were crazy to try to cross the mountains so late in the year. Batshit.) It was around 2:30-3, but the trees provided a lot of shadows and the melting snow was running across the road. As soon as the sun was down, that would all become ice. But the freeways were in good shape, no restrictions, and the side streets were still ok.

Well, that was an adventure. Thank god I have Tuesday off.

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Safe Journey

I'll be officially getting up in about ten minutes so I can leave San Diego at 5 and hopefully make it home by 4. Jody called and said the roads have been horrible in the mornings, ok in the afternoons, and horrible again at night. She said it was snowing right then, and the road was covered in the time it took to feed my cat.

I'm going to take the 5 back, and hopefully haul ass to make up for whatever time I'll lose in the mountains. It's supposed to be ten hours, so we're estimating 11 at higher speeds and fast refuels/potty breaks. Dad estimated when I should be where on the way down and updated my ETA as I checked in. He worked out the same thing for the 5, so he'll be keeping tabs. Today is supposed to be clear. The other day I read that I'll be driving through the snowiest city in the U.S.: Blue Canyon, CA. Wouldn't you think that would be somewhere in Alaska?

Jennyway, here's to a safe, efficient journey home.

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By the end of the day

...she was wrecked. We stopped at Lowe's and the dry cleaner's and the grocery store. Dad told me it was fine to bring her in- "After all, we're in Southern California." He didn't understand why I was so reluctant until later that day when we were packing the car and situating things. I was in the car and Dad and Riley were standing outside. He said dogs were coming so I asked him to hold her collar. She turns into a stubborn donkey when you do that, so he picked her up, which is not an easy task.

"Jesus, she is solid!"

Very. It's all cookie weight.

Later, Dad grilled pork chops and we watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, which was cute and reminded me that the point is not to cope with a new situation, but to thrive. Thank you, Dame Dench.

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By the end of the day

...she was wrecked. We stopped at Lowe's and the dry cleaner's and the grocery store. Dad told me it was fine to bring her in- "After all, we're in Southern California." He didn't understand why I was so reluctant until later that day when we were packing the car and situating things. I was in the car and Dad and Riley were standing outside. He said dogs were coming so I asked him to hold her collar. She turns into a stubborn donkey when you do that, so he picked her up, which is not an easy task.

"Jesus, she is solid!"

Very. It's all cookie weight.

Later, Dad grilled pork chops and we watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, which was cute and reminded me that the point is not to cope with a new situation, but to thrive. Thank you, Dame Dench.

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Car nap

On the way home, Riley just laid down in my arms and fell asleep.

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Poster size

Yesterday turned out to be the warmest day of my whole trip. The other days were a little rainy or dreary, so it really worked out well. It was beautiful out.

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Del Mar North Beach

I saw no dog fights or arguments, just dogs running into the surf after balls, happily circling ahead of their owners, meeting other dogs... and the people all had smiles on their faces because how could you not? This is the happiest place on earth.

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Stay...

This one makes me laugh.

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Order yours today!

I may need to order prints and make an album out of this trip, not to mention coasters, calendars, and coffee mugs.

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Happy Girl

It's impossible to choose just one or even a few.

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Dog Beach

I have so many awesome pictures of Riley from yesterday

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Riley will have the Filet Mignon.

Tuesday: Eat, open presents, eat, nap.

Wednesday: Eat, walk Riley, eat, watch a movie, nap.

Thursday: Eat, walk Riley, meet Dad's friend Stella for lunch, eat, nap.

I'm going to get back home, hopefully have a day to recover, and when I go back to work, I'll make it until about 2:00, then nap. It's nice to be able to take some time to rest. I think our plan tonight is leftovers and a movie in our PJs.

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Riley falls out of bed every morning.

A friend mostly from Facebook asked- since I wasn't posting Ant updates- if she could assume I was single. She also said she hoped I was well and said she loved Riley.

That's a good thing, since that's most of what I post now.

Well, it's not easy to take self-portraits with this phone and besides, she is such a good subject. I'll try to work on it. Wouldn't want to be one of those people who never posts anything except stuff about their children.

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Sad

The person who I would tell everything to is gone and I feel so lonely.

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So far

This was Christmas dinner. We had steak, twice-baked potatoes, green bean casserole, and nicely decorated gingerbread cookies. Ok, some more so than others.

I got a nice new tea kettle, sheets with a funky pattern, crazy jewelry, a shoe store gift card, a vase that I cannot describe and must take a picture of, some lounge-y pants and sweatshirt, snowflake pajamas, some new shirts, and a vacation with Riley. Dad and I opened presents and hung out, ate gingerbread and took naps.

Today we took Riley down to the beach and walked down a sidewalk along the ocean that was full of people, dogs, and interesting smells. Riley detected the scent of a squirrel and he was camping out in the sun in perfect stillness, confident of the fence's protection. Riley did not seem to see him, but she knew he was there. She met lots of dogs and got some exercise and lots of ocean air.

We dropped Riley at the house and went to catch Life of Pi. Excellent, interesting movie, and a neat one to see in the theater, though I'm not sure if 3D is really all that helpful. Now Dad is playing with his new shaker on his drums, and I've just finished my beer, so it's time to walk Riley around the block.

Well, I may need a gingerbread cookie first.

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Michael Phelps

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Well, that was fun.

Woke up, went outside, got two chewies from Pop, ate one, smelled all the presents, got two new toys from Pop, attacked one, fell asleep.

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Presents!

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Christmas morning

"Thanks, Pop!"

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Dusk

...and no more pictures, but it was fun to try while juggling the camera and sometimes the dog while trying not to drive off the road and become part of the scenery. :D

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Post-Tonopah

Love

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Four hours in

This is outside of Tonopah.

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Where the hell was this?

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Still at Walker Lake

The drive down 95 was gorgeous.

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Walker Lake

Like Pyramid Lake, this lake is huge, brilliant turquoise, and deserted.

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Pics from the drive

Coming up on Walker Lake

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We're here

Got in close to 1, I think. Went the long way to avoid the snow, since both routes were covered in chain restrictions. Riley just went downstairs to finish her dinner and even though we're both exhausted, she had to rub her face in her bed before she could get in it. Such a cutie... even if she was a total pest today. Jennyway, Merry Christmas and I'll see you in the morning! Well, later this morning.

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Just five more minutes

I went to World Market last night.

"I have a bag," I told the cashier.

"Oh, how eco-friendly of you!" she exclaimed.

Really? Nobody brings their own bags in there? But they sell earthy things! I guess it's just a pseudo-earthy place.

I haven't gotten up yet, but at least I slept in some. It's almost 8! Riley sounds like she's brewing coffee. It looks like it's just rainy outside for now, so I may try to get the car in early for the oil change. I got a good number of errands in last night until the snow started to stick. We have a winter storm warning on until 10:00 Sunday night which is, of course, all the time I have to prepare. I got the tire cables and an ice scraper last night, plus some road food and pet food. Getting ready to go!

Or getting another half hour of rest. Either way.

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Surprise!

I walk in this morning to find a little Christmas merriment on my desk. Baked goodies from one of the nurses and the little light-up USB Christmas tree that has been making the rounds, spending each day on a different person's desk. How nice! :D

Then I open my email and find a nastygram from one of the providers. He was barking at me for scheduling new patients the way I was taught to... and the way I've been doing it for the last 10 months without hearing a word. He sent a copy to my boss and his boss.

"Good morning!" I wrote back.

There was more to my email, but I killed him with kindness and his response was a little sheepish and a lot nicer, even if he did completely contradict himself. It's not his job or mine to change protocol, so copying both our bosses is exactly what's in order. I'll let them duke it out, but in the meantime, go pee on someone else's parade.

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Stupid phone

Hopefully you already know everything's fine.

Nice that the update posted, but not the original blog.  Stupid phone.

I wasn't planning on going to the ER (known as the ED for Emergency Department, but that makes me think Erectile Dysfunction, so I can't call it that), but my counselor told me I needed to make sure everything was fine rather than assume.

I started having what I think are migraine headaches Thursday, and assumed it was from staring at the computer.  I had another on Sunday, then one more on Monday.  Three of those in five days made me think it was something to go back to my doctor for.  I tried to have a coworker send a note letting him know I would swing through Urgent Care after my appointment with my counselor on Tuesday, but my coworker said it was a symptom and made me go talk to the nurse.  She said to go to the ER, but she has to tell me that, so I'd try to see my doctor after the counselor appt.

She came out to the waiting room to get me and said I was in trouble.  She'd seen the note and told me that sudden symptoms that are not normal should be checked out, and asked if I knew the warning signs for strokes.  Uhhhhhhh...

She asked me questions about the headaches, then went to consult the nurse.  No dice, said the nurse.  ER.  So off I went.

It feels horrible to go to the ER and have the nurses look at you like you're retarded.  I explained why I was there to three different people and got weird looks from all of them.

"Are you having a headache now?"

"No."

They would purse their lips.  It's understandable.  They see lots of people who don't really need to be there.  And they rolled their eyes when I said I had been sent from Primary Care.  There doesn't seem to be much love between those two departments.  It was fun when the nurse came in and asked why I was there (in my gown.  Why did I get a gown?  I didn't have to wear one when I broke my hand, and I was out of there much sooner!).  When I told her it was for migraines and back pain, trying to eliminate stroke symptoms, you could just FEEL her restraining herself.  The doctors didn't make me feel like an idiot, though.  There was a very nice doctor who felt they were tension headaches, not migraines, but the other doctor, the head honcho, said they were probably migraines.  Headaches, whatever.  They checked my blood sugar before giving me the muscle relaxer, and I let the tech (?) stab my finger.  Why?  When will I learn my lesson?  I even told him that some nurse stabbed the tip of my pinkie finger years ago, and it took MONTHS to heal.  That is a terrible place to stab, by the way.  There's bone and nerve endings up there.  OUCH.  This guy assured me that that nurse was retarded and he knew where the padding was, so I let him.  He got the right spot, but pushed that damn spring-loaded stabber into my finger so far that it didn't stop bleeding for a while.  This is why I would never let Chris stab my finger, even if I was driving.  He pushed the stabber too far into my finger, because that's how hard he had to do it to his own finger to get any blood.  Yeah, you with the man hands.  Duh- of course you'll need more pressure.  So never again.

You should have seen me in there, trying to get a picture of myself.  The nurses must have really thought I was retarded.  But I got cleared- no neurological problems here- and as an added bonus, they gave me some help for my back.  Whew.

Update

Got a visit from the attending doctor- what a great guy! He was on board with the migraine diagnosis and we talked some about that, but he is sure it is not stroke related at all, so my counselor will be happy that we ruled that out. This guy spent most of the time on my back pain, which I am very grateful for. He was thrilled to hear that I am doing a little yoga and said I am doing all the right things. He is giving me more muscle relaxers to take along with the Aleve, and said I should do that for a few days until I feel better, then phase it out so I don't stay hooked on anything. But I'll have muscle relaxers on hand for when it kicks up again ("Welcome to middle age," he said.), and my back feels much better! Yay!

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Well, SOME people would find it amusing.

Somebody called to cancel their appointment on Friday, joking, "You know, the day the world's gonna end?"

I asked if he was staying home to make preparations and we giggled.

Then I asked if he wanted to reschedule, expecting him to say that would be futile.

When I went to cancel the appointment, I SERIOUSLY had to restrain myself from putting the reason as:

"Weather, world ending"

Hee hee hee!

Sigh.  VA, you are no fun.

It's much funnier when she tells it.

I'm listening to Ellen DeGeneres on the Sirius radio comedy channel and she's talking about watching people at the grocery store. She said she likes to wonder what people came in for and what they just picked up because they were there. The example she gave had me and her audience rolling for a good thirty seconds and will keep me laughing all night and probably through most of tomorrow:

"Baked beans, douche, and a lawn chair."

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How does she sleep like this?

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It only costs $4000.

Artist: Jenny

Title: Dog, Cat, and Woman Rest with Heating Pad

Medium: Camera Phone

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Thought I should put all those twelves in there somewhere...

Today is our holiday lunch.  I declined to participate because my funds are low and they wanted $10 a person.  The flier said the food would be from “El Pollo Local” (snicker snicker) and I figured I’d just bring my lunch today.  I didn’t say why I was declining, but two coworkers came up to me at different times to invite me to come and eat anyway.  “There’s plenty,” they said.  How nice, huh?

So yesterday

Hmm.  121212121212 passed by and I didn’t even care notice.

So yesterday around noon, my boss came to ask whether I’d gotten this particular email in June.  Why, yes!  I have no idea what you’re talking about.  Turns out, there’s this mandatory form we have to fill out and submit to a board and ask them to consider moving us up a grade.  Someone in HR contacted my boss and told her that all her new people were missing this thing, and it needed to be done by today.  Niiiiice.  Quick!  Where are my writing skills?

Oh, let me whip out a justification on why I deserve a promotion.  Where’s my performance evaluation?  At home.  Where’s my resume?  Floating around online.  What are my accomplishments?  Uhhhh…

In true procrastinator fashion, I pulled it together with no notice.  I had a hell of a time yesterday, trying to locate and update everything.  This morning I wrote the justification and just now, my boss came over.  She said it was excellent and she was on her way to hand it in.

“Do you want to add anything?” she asked.

Nope.

Why is it so quiet in here?

Somewhere under my bed is the ring from the milk jug, which Solo pulled out of the recycle bin to play with. The ultimate cat toy.

The other pet related item is about the ottoman. Mom got me an ottoman for the living room and I've been carrying it back and forth to the bedroom because Riley is old and sometimes can't jump up on the bed. Most of the time yes, sometimes no. She often ignores the ottoman when I bring it in, jumping directly on the bed with ease. Other times she looks grateful.

I finally found a cheap, basic storage ottoman and was able to buy it with a gift card. I moved Riley's bed a little ways away from the bed and put the ottoman between them. I showed her where to go and she used the new step and climbed up on the bed, where she stayed for a while, curled up with me and Solo. At some point, as usual, she decided to head to her own bed. She used her stair. :D

Chris came over tonight to install the Sirius radio in my car. We talked about us and what happened and we talked about everything else and I feel more sure now that it's done than I have so far. I'm sure you're all relieved, but I'm just asking you for some time to let me grieve my love and the life we had together. He knows what he lost and I'm glad to see him acknowledge it. We agreed to tell each other our feelings through this and to be kind. Against almost everyone's advice, I have honored our agreement and I'm glad I did. It's hard, but it's more honest and fair than we were to each other when we were together. It hurts like mad, but I feel calm for now. Who knows what I'll feel like tomorrow, but tonight I feel quiet. It feels like I said goodbye.

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Bathtime

Oh my god, I love my little girl. She got a bath tonight because she got poop caught in her fur. I learned that there is no good place in this apartment to give her a bath. That part sucked, but now she is happy and sleepy and so am I.

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Master Photographer

So here we sit, hanging out under the trees. It's not warm enough to seek shade, but this is the spot she chose.

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Riley says...

"I'm good, we don't need to walk anymore."

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A Night Out with Jenea

Jenny: ...then I watched Serpico-

Jenea: What's that?

Jenny: A famous Al Pacino cop movie from the 70s.

Jenea: Oh, I don't watch movies older than the 80s; they look weird.

And later:

"Are those people gay? Anyway..." (carries on conversation)

She was telling people we were Jenny A and Jenny 1 and reminded me that this is what our stepsons collectively dubbed us. Not Jenny A and Jenny B, Jenny 1 and Jenny 2, but while looking for a way to know which Jenny they were referring to, decided we would be known as Jenny A and Jenny 1. I forgot about that.

There was a guy there- a friend of the people we were hanging out with- and Jenea told me he was eyeballing her. He came to say goodbye to her, then turned to me.

"Did anyone ever tell you that you look just like the girl from The Big Bang-"

"STOP!" commanded Jenea. "Shut up, don't say it! That is not true and it's not a compliment!" Then the three of us girls had a discussion about where the resemblance could be.

Sarah said, "People used to tell me I looked like Jennifer Love Hewitt, which I clearly do not, but we had the same haircut. I think it's the hair and maybe the shape of your face."

"And the glasses," I added.

Jenea goes, "Who do I look like with my fluffy hair?"

"You have Nicole Kidman hair," said Sarah.

"I have a giant forehead and the rest of my face is smushed down," said Jenea. "I look like a chihuahua."

I cracked up and the guy- who had been just standing there through all that- said he would leave before he got in any more trouble. Jenea rolled her eyes, turned back to us and said:

"He gave me that look as soon as he came in. I can't describe it, but I know it when I see it. I was like, oh shit, he wants to put it in my butt."

I was pretty exhausted after trying some yoga that morning, going on two long dog walks, 45 errands, then making gingerbread dough and dinner, but she made me laugh so hard that I had to write this stuff down, and I drove home in a significantly better mood.

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Dammit!

I bought the 24oz instead of the 12oz jar. What else can you make with molasses other than more gingerbread cookies?

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Evenings

Messy project table, beer, letters, Riley, cubby, baskets, tealight, plants, window, tree branches.

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Oh, the budget I've got is frightful, but baked goods are so delightful...

Walk or sit at the computer and accomplish things? Phone is fully charged. Blog and a jog! I know, I've said that before, but I like it and it reminds me of my smokey and Diet Cokey. I could use a cigarette these days. I haven't. Jenea says if I didn't start back up through all of this, then I've probably quit for good. The best advice I heard for quitting smoking was to put your mad procrastination skills to good use: when you have a craving, don't say "No, I can't have one," just say, "I'll have one later." I don't remember ever using that, but it did seem like a good idea.

I have a lot on my to do list tomorrow, but I'm looking forward to it. There will even be some nice, relaxing yoga crammed into the day wherever I can make it fit. I'm poised on the edge of the weekend over here, and I'm not very focused on work today. I've taken a lot of calls this week and I am not all that excited about answering more. But the day is half over and I am preparing my lists and gathering coupons.

I have taken Ma's advice and scaled down the gift ideas. You may still get a gift, but it might be in 2013. It will be worth the wait. :D

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4:30 am

They came to pick me up after a long time apart. Ant was definitely a teenager- surly, talking back- but he was tiny, the size of a very small child. He climbed into my lap and fell asleep. His hair was full of gel.

The house was meant for a small number of people, I thought, but all his friends lived there. He had banished them to a part of the house that I could not see.

A shape-shifting genie tricked me. I do not remember what led me into the room, I just remember when he changed into a gold demon with horns, laughed, and locked me in.

I was kept in the room for a year until one of Chris's friends accidentally let me out. "Oh," he said. "I forgot you were in there." I went looking for Chris.

I found a room where seamstresses were working on what looked like the start of a wedding dress. They were lining up beads and rhinestones on a headless form. There were two special beads on a card lying on a shelf and I picked them up. They said, "Jeni." I sat down and cried.

The seamstresses left, one of them rolling her eyes at me on her way out of the room. "This is ten years in the making," I said to her. She did not respond. As they left, Chris came in with many other people. I hugged him and he asked if I liked my neck brace.

My neck brace?

I looked back at the mannequin and saw that it was not the start of a dress at all, just a lovely, light purple neck piece.

"It's for your neck injury," he said.

"But I don't have a neck injury."

"Ooh, I hope they play _______________," said some lady next to me. I realize that all these people are waiting to dance and this woman is looking for her husband. The music starts and it's an Otis Redding song, but not the one she wanted.

"Here, dance with her," Chris said, sweetly, like we were both doing her a favor.

I said okay because it seemed kind and her husband was probably dead and not ever going to show up again. I didn't think to ask why Chris wouldn't dance with her. Confused, I start dancing with this tiny old lady- she's like a doll. I turn and in that instant, Chris is suddenly gone, all the people have vanished, and I am left holding a toy doll, completely alone.

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How

My brain just cannot fathom how such familiar things that were so recently mine are gone forever.

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That turned ugly fast.

Took another epsom (epson? No, Epson is the printer.) salt bath last night after whining to Mom that my baaaaaaaaaack still hurts. I cranked on the water super hot, then threw in a dash of cold at the end thinking that would even out the temperature.  Why can't I be normal?  I have no idea, but I had to stand around naked for like 15 minutes waiting for the water to cool off enough to get in.  Why didn't I go do something else in the meantime?  I don't know.  Didn't think it would take that long, I guess.  I kept trying to get in and burning the shit out of my feet.  Finally I just gave up and got in anyway, hoping my skin wouldn't slough off.  Then I got really overheated, so I put up with it as long as I could, then went to bed because I was suddenly super tired and had a big headache.  I slept for about 10 hours last night.  Riley was exasperated with me.  She was game for sleeping until around 3 am, when I could hear her huffing around, like "Goddammit, I slept all day!"  So this morning I clipped her leash on and walked her around the neighborhood at a lively pace rather than letting her meander as I usually do.

I have two complaints for you today, but they come with a disclaimer:

I have no idea who reads my blog.  I have some idea, but the numbers do not line up with just those that I am aware of.  Plus, I'm thinking of posting more links on Facebook to try and increase my number of readers, but there are people that I want to talk shit about, and I can't very well do that and invite them to read it, right?  They could be reading it already without me knowing.  It's probably better that way.  Besides, this is supposed to be honest.  Well, censored honesty.

1) When will I learn that they are all dirty old men, regardless of age?  I think it's gross, and I am perpetually optimistic that they aren't all like that, but this truth is continually confirmed.  I know it must have to do with a refusal to age gracefully.  I realize that there are women like this too, but they aren't hitting on me, so I don't care.  Yes, old men will often cross that line of what is appropriate.  I attract old men and rednecks.  But this time- and unfortunately not the first time- it is a friend.  Or someone I thought was a friend.  It's subtle, but the dialogue has certainly changed.  It makes me mad because there is such a lack of decency- I have barely begun grieving my love- but where is the respect for your friend?  Why does the expression "Bros before hoes" exist?  They don't honor that, but maybe it's an easy expression because it rhymes.  And really, it's not that honorable if you call women "hoes" in the first place.  I know I am no garden tool.  What really irks the shit out of me is the thought that I am looking for any port in a storm, so to speak.  Am I a helpless sheep, vulnerable to wolves?  Do I have no morals?  Am I just waiting for someone to swoop in and take over?  Of course, I realize that the male mind, when preoccupied, is not thinking of these things- there is just a very shallow, instinctual, animal motive.  I suppose I could be flattered, or quote lines from When Harry Met Sally, but really, not classy, dude.  Not classy.

2) My second complaint involves a coworker and therefore must be cryptic.  Your "needs" are ridiculous.  I am not being mean or insensitive.  If it's really that bad, you shouldn't be driving.  If it's really that bad, maybe you need to be somewhere you feel safe.  There is a line for accommodations before you just can't do the job.  Have you thought about the fact that everytime you don't show up, you are adding a lot of weight to the rest of us?  Or that you are occupying a spot where someone else could be hired?  I don't know your story, admitted, but so far you have not shown much willingness to help out or be part of a group, as other disabled folks are totally capable of doing.  And your attitude sucks.

Now I'm going to go walk around for a while because my legs are cramped from being under this damn desk all day as I answered the phone while other people stuck their thumbs up their asses.  80 calls by 1:30.  Go soak your heads, assholes.

How else does one cope with stress?

I've been feeling pretty cynical.

I'm trying to remind myself that this is not a permanent state of mind, just one that comes with the territory. I think I am normally optimistic, but I don't feel that way right now. I feel down, sad, blue, and this morning I think I sucked a piece of Kashi into my lung. I have projects piling up and I feel overwhelmed, but isn't that what I've been going through around this time for the last four years? Exams, papers, projects, Christmas! What if I can't buy everything my loved ones dream of? There's a book coming for my apprentice class, the workbook for the life coaching/weight loss project, housecleaning, baking, bills, and I have to go answer 100 phone calls! My counselor would laugh because she knows my coping strategy well- I'm off to make some lists.

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Dog

Looks like she's just waiting for me to put the damn covers back down, huh.

 

Cat

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Rainy Sunday

I am exhausted.

After that hour walk this morning, I took Jody out Christmas shopping. Then I let Riley out and went to Kohl's.

I've been looking through my closet for all those large shirts that I

That's how far I made it last night before I fell asleep.

What I was trying to explain is that there is a brand of shirts at Kohl's that I really like- good colors, neat details. I started buying those in extra large and was very happy until I found one at a thrift store that was a beautiful heather blue... but large. I bought it anyway and learned that it fit better. Oh. Hmm. Maybe this is related to the broken bra problem.

So I headed to Kohl's armed with a 20% off coupon and I found that the clearance was marked down EVEN FURTHER. Now it's 85-90% off. I made my selections and went to the fitting room where I sadly tried on a medium in a shirt that I really liked because they did not have it in large. It fit.

Suddenly, I was faced with a problem. Am I supposed to be wearing medium? What if they shrink? What am I supposed to do with all these larges? I have about 200 shirts in my cart- Just try them on if you like them, don't look at the price yet- How am I going to go deposit them in front of the poor fitting room girl?

"Soooooo, nothing worked?" she'll ask.

"No, sorry, all the wrong size. I'm learning how to shop for myself."

The worst part was going back through the entire clearance section because there was new criteria now. I was pretty over it by then, and I'm sure most people would give up, but I am my mother's daughter and these were not deals I could walk out on. Two fitting room trips later, I had twelve new shirts, most for about $3 each. I did allow myself a couple splurges- splurges that my entire family would roll their eyes at because they think it doesn't count as a splurge if it's a reasonable price. For example, my big splurge was a $15 pullover that looks much nicer than the zippies I've been wearing to work. I added it all up, decided I had room to spare and headed to Jewelry. Silver jewelry is 60% off. It's a sign!

A few years ago, I was at Bloomies with Mom and Tracy and found necklaces with little good luck charms: a four-leaf clover, a horseshoe, a wishbone, a star...  The pendants were silver, but hung on a string. The accompanying card said you were supposed to make a wish, put on the necklace, and eventually the string would break, your pendant would fall off somewhere, and this meant that your wish was coming true!

Well, that's stupid. The first thing I would do is put that sucker on a real chain.

And what did I find last night? A delicate little chain with clover and wishbone pendants so you can switch between them. And yes, I should probably make a wish because this chain is so tiny that it will probably break, dropping my wishbone somewhere.

When I got home, I didn't want to stand up anymore. I took Riley out, made meatloaf, shoved Riley's pill down her throat (The pain pills are done and she's becoming a pro with the antibiotics.), then went to put away my new clothes. I took out more than one shirt for every one I put in. And Kohl's says I saved $304.28, so I'm feeling pretty awesome.

For dinner, I found out that lima beans have carbs. It's a bean, and beans have carbs, so that makes me a ding-dong, but I don't think I made that connection before. Oops. I'm writing down everything I eat, which is SO enjoyable. It has me wishing longingly for the days when all I had to do was find my kit, test, argue with the meter's error message, test again, work an equation in my head, measure insulin and stab myself with a syringe.

It's 9:15, which means I have stayed in bed for an extra three hours. I woke up at 6, but was able to get back to sleep, thankfully. Now I'm rested and ready for a day of housecleaning, movies, projects, and watching the rain. Can't wait to drag Riley out in this. Right now she's under the covers, curled up by my knees, making little huffing movements as she dozes. Solo is up at my shoulder, waiting for me to nuzzle her. I'm about to wake them both up and go make an exploding egg sandwich.

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And on our way back from our windy walk...

...this big ass tumbleweed rolls in front of us out of nowhere, terrifying Riley. I chased it across the street to get a picture.

I deliberately walked through puddles, mud, and grass to get the poop remnants off my right shoe. I haven't been able to wear those for anything but dog walking because every time I get them clean, I step in more dog poop. Makes me insane. After an hour out in this windy but dry break between storms, I got my shoes clean. Hey, awesome! I can wear them to run errands now!

Then I get back to our little courtyard and find Angel- the adorably sweet lab- playing with her owner's daughter- a sweet little girl who never has a poop bag. Thus, my shoes have poop on them again. Fresh poop at the end of my walk. Excellent.

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Windy morning walk

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A Big Happy Sigh of Relief

Went to the Bighorns game. Had a great time- the only downfall was learning that I am inheriting Mom's inability to smile with her eyes open. We drank beer and ate sports arena food, talked, laughed loudly, watched a really close game, cheered and booed, and took home free hats. We lost, but not by much. It got really close towards the end, which is always fun.

Out of the two of us, I was the resident basketball expert- which has never happened EVER. I told Jenea my idea about a show. All I had so far was Elaine's Mike doing movie reviews, which would mainly consist of a rough idea of the plot (minus the parts where he fell asleep), but without any names or relevant details. Now I have a new segment: Jenea with sports.

"That blue guy just fucked up- I saw that!"

"The white guy just touched the blue guy's ass."

And after the game:

"We ALMOST won! Why do I care so much?"

Jenea was not excited about this invitation, but said she'd give it a shot because she'd never been. She had fun and said she'd do it again. :D

As for me, I am very happy. I had fun and found something I'd feel comfortable going to on my own. And did you know that Jeremy Lin came up from the Bighorns? I didn't.  So maybe I was right in the first place- this was a good day.

 

Score!

My apartment complex was offering half priced Bighorns tickets (Reno's D league basketball team) and Jenea agreed to come with me. I had to wait for Chris's funds and I thought this would be another failed attempt to do something that's been on my list for years. Basketball on TV is boring, but in person it's fun. I haven't been to a basketball game siiiiiiiiiiiince... high school?

Well, I went over to see if they had any tickets left and... yes, two. Ha ha ha, sweet! So how much? Oh, they're free. Wow! And supposedly good seats! Suddenly my day is brighter. Now I'll be able to afford to park in the garage! Maybe even buy a hot dog!

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Four hours to go.

Today felt like it was going to be a good day.  Maybe feeling sad and crying at my desk again is just part of the day- doesn't have to mean that it's now a bad day.  Maybe it's good- Rumi's quote: "The cure for the pain is the pain."  Good or not, it's apparently necessary.

I cannot spend my day like this, though.  I have to do something to get through.

I am positively clairvoyant.

I threw the comforter and everything that was on it off the bed so I could put on the clean sheets. I made the bed and started folding everything else, then took a break to shove pills down Riley's throat. We went back to peanut butter tonight. After a particularly delightful meal, Riley always rubs her face in the couch cushions- I'm not entirely sure why. Tonight she opted for my sweatshirt, flung on the floor with the bedding and not picked up yet. I was debating about taking that sweatshirt to the laundromat with me, but it wasn't dirty. I had the feeling that it would get dirty as soon as I returned. Now it is smeared with peanut butter dog face prints.

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Warning: Bitterness Ahead

I worked hard for that house.

Chris would get defensive at that statement, say that he paid, blah blah blah. What he never understood is that I was not discounting his contributions, but that there are a lot more contributions to make than just the financial, as I'm sure he's learning. And by the way, considering all his expenses, I think our financial contributions were pretty even.  Don't shake your heads at me- I did the budgeting. I know.

We spent a couple years at the laundromat with the vision of moving somewhere with a washer and dryer, never needing the laundromat for anything except washing the comforters. When we finally could move, we chose a house that had a washer and dryer, only to have the landlord try to say that their listing was wrong. Tough! I argued for that and I won't even go back over the other fights again. They gave us a washer and dryer. After a while, the washer died and Chris and I picked out our first major appliance together. We paid it off- interest free- and had an energy-efficient beautiful new washer.

But now I'm back at the goddamn laundromat. After spending all day sitting in a box, staring at the wall, I get to run home and greet my excited dog, take her for a short walk in the wind, then see her little face fall as I collect the laundry and head towards the door. I get to haul laundry even as my blood sugar crashes and it's worse now because there's no one to help me carry it. I get to go to the laundromat again as Chris continues to live in that house and use that washer.  That leads me directly to a lot more bitterness regarding his tramp and the rage-inducing thought of her sleeping in my bed, using my beautiful shower, touching things that I lovingly picked out over the years, eating off my plates, chatting with my stepson.  Meanwhile, I'll be at the fucking laudromat.

But this morning I found something that brings me joy.

When I moved in here, I got two house keys. I looked for a keychain to put the spare on, thinking I would have to buy one, but found I already had one. Either Mom or Dad got this for me in Indonesia or somewhere and it's been hanging on my bulletin board for a while. It's ceramic and I was afraid to put it with my main set of keys since they're always getting thrown around. This was perfect because it's one key that goes in my pocket when I go for a walk. This thing makes me happy whenever I look at it, put it in my pocket, or even think about it. This may be an extreme example of simple pleasures, but whatever works, right? So here- here is something that makes me happy.

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My spirit animal is a female donkey.

I have become a fan of Groupon.  So far, I have bought a half-priced massage, a radio-controlled helicopter, and what the hell else did I buy?  Good grief, my brain is shot today.  Something neat and half-priced.

Recently I updated my preferences and they send me Groupon offers all day.  There are all kinds of getaways that I can't afford, but almost could, and I'll be looking more closely at those soon.  It's all seriously discounted stuff to draw people in to your business or B&B or just to buy your awesome products.

Today there was a tempting offer of a sterling silver necklace- normally $130 but on sale through Groupon for $9!!!  Ooh, that caught my eye.  Now, obviously this thing is overpriced to start with (Who's selling this thing, Silpada?), but the necklace was pretty and I thought I might want it.  But how can they justify $130, even if that's their fake price? Here's the description of the necklace:

Crystal Fireball Necklace

Adorn necks with striking sterling-silver necklaces. Elegantly cut crystals dangle from each Italian-made chain, shining brightly and storing the essences of approximately 15 spirit animals apiece.


Ahhh.  How'd they get those in there?  I like how they say "approximately," like they know they're in there, just not sure exactly how many.  Gives it an air of authenticity, don't you think?  Yeah... I think I'll pass.  I'll go buy some $9 jewelry at Kohl's with a coupon and extra sales pass.  Not sure they'll contain spirit animal essences though...

Red Planet Day

Today was Red Planet Day, so I watched a documentary about the Phoenix Mars mission. I feel all special now because I did something educational.

I bought a laser pointer and have exhausted the cat. Riley responds best to cheese wrapped pills. I am ready to go to bed and it's only 8:30.

I did not go to the laundromat. I'll regret that tomorrow. For now, I am seriously considering going to bed early. The only problem with that plan (aside from being lame) is that I'll have to take Riley out to potty first. We're snuggled up on the couch all warm and sleepy and I'm pretty sure the cold will wake me up, not to mention be really cold, and then I won't be sleepy anymore. Can you believe the things I have to go through?

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Worst Jobs: Reno Meterologist

Somebody in here keeps telling veterans that regarding their requests, she'll "git 'er done."  Jesus.

Had a meeting with my counselor this afternoon and told her I was ok, but sad all the time and hanging on to delusions, unable to let go and unable to grateful for everything else that I do have.  "So then, you're doing great!"  Ha ha ha, yes, I suppose then I am right where I'm supposed to be.  I read an article on the plane- a very sad yet encouraging article- that quoted Rumi: "The cure for the pain is the pain."  Wonderful.  I'll be over here trying to get through my days.

On a brighter note, I've had several veterans call me "doll" or "sweetheart" over the past two days.  That makes me want to be a sweetheart.  I love that.  Maybe some people find that demeaning, but I think it must be in the manner it's presented.  No creepiness from those guys, just warm fuzzies.  Well, at least on my end.

Tonight it's off to get groceries and do laundry before the storms.  I'm told there are three, back to back, but we're supposed to get mostly rain.  Maybe it's time for Reno to flood again.  That's always exciting.

I was thinking I should get Riley a coat that has Velcro rather than her pullover sweater.  I doubt it would be as warm, but currently it's cold and I don't want to risk hurting her back by squeezing her in or out of the sweater.  And why don't I have a laser pointer to entertain the cat?  Serious cat owner failure.

I don't really want to be out doing either errand tonight, but the rain is supposed to stop soon and this is forecasted as our one clear night.  The wind is supposed to pick up tonight.  I am overhearing that it has started to snow.  Hmmm.

Ok, Tracy.

I like that I can clean my entire place in less than an hour. I tried to leave it in good shape, but I had a guest and we were leaving for a trip. There was no cleaning when I got home Sunday night and last night was focused on Riley, but I was already getting irritated by the mess. Tonight I worked hard for a very short amount of time and happily restored order. This was a feat, considering how sore my back is. I got my Groupon massage yesterday and those knots must have been fierce. Well, I know they felt fierce when she was working on them- often trying to remember to breathe. I drank water, I took the epsom salt bath, but today, oh my... ow. Did you know you have relaxes in other parts of your body than your knees? She'd be working her elbow into my hip and my arm would flail. I squirmed like a pinned insect. She got those knots, though- I may have to go back. Sooner this time, and after less stress.

So after cleaning my place through screaming back muscles, I force-fed Riley her pills. The cheese worked much better this morning than the peanut butter this evening. Then I held her and did her warm compresses. Now I'm passing out.

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Whew

Came home from work to find Riley up on the couch! She's clearly feeling better, maybe because we definitely got the medicine down this morning with the help of some cheese. Whew. Pain meds and extra people food- she must be loving life. And I am greatly relieved.

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But for right now...

... we're just sitting here together. She's happy to be in my lap and I'm happy to have her back.

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Ouch

It's deeper than what you can see here, but the vet said it was ok. I am to put a warm compress on it twice a day to help get rid of any drainage, then let it start closing up. She's got antibiotics and pain meds and I've got to figure out how to make her take them. I did some research online after tonight's fiasco and my favorite suggestion so far is to coat the pill in peanut butter and smear it into the roof of their mouth. It just sounds so cruelly effective, ha ha. We shall see.

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Poor Riley

She got injured at Topaz. They think it happened when she was playing with the other dogs and running around under the bushes. She must have gotten caught by a branch or something, but Mike never heard her yelp.

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That's great, but...

Received a gift from my aunt tonight that will guide me through the next several months, at least. It's all the good news about the future that I don't want to hear because it means that too much of what I love is already in the past. I cannot stand it.

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Deep breaths

Now that I've spent enough time driving my blood pressure up, it's time to forcibly redirect myself before sending angry texts to Chris, telling him to enjoy spending the day with people he doesn't love, hopefully drowning in guilt. Bitterness abounds this morning and I need a Diet Coke. At least I corralled it here and did not send it there. Yet.

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Slow down there, alky.

Chris- I think I have said this before- faulted me for always needing credit for everything.  First of all, I am a Leo, so duh, but my Colorstrology thing says that productivity and financial security are very important to me and I concur.  I am really quite fine with needing credit, but I have no problems providing that acknowledgment to myself.  If you want to jump in and add to my own compliments, have at it!  I will welcome your support.  I'll be over here tooting my own horn.

Just ran to the grocery store during lunch to send a package and drop off prescription bottles to be recycled.  And this morning I took two trips of recycle outside so I have much less to deal with tonight.  Two trips to the recycle bins make it sound like I must be turning into an alcoholic, but the big, heavy thing was all the paper I have been chucking as I go through my old files.  Yes, I sorted through and took out anything with my SSN.  THEN I took out the plastic and bottles and yes, there were way more beer bottles than usual, but I'm allowing myself some slack on that one.  Last night I had two.  Wooo!

High Horses

I can't tell you about my good, self-preserving decisions if you start screaming at me. Oh, ye of little faith.

And really, I believe I'm allowed to feel what I feel, regardless of your approval.

And if I do make mistakes, try to understand that they come from a well-meaning, very loving place in my heart.

And try to excuse my sarcasm when I apologize for how hard this has been for you.

I'm sorry to tell you things that upset you. I have lost the person that I would ordinarily tell everything to. If I don't let these things out, I think I will explode, and an exploded person can't go to work Monday morning.

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The most angelic, well-lit picture of Riley, ever.

She's contemplating going out after Turk and Nikki, ultimately declined.

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Waiting to be released

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Time for some dog pictures

This was my view as I woke up this morning.

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Rainy day at Topaz

I called Topaz to schedule a Riley vacation and was invited to come spend a rainy day watching movies. I thought that sounded much better than cleaning and crying all day.

They fed me dinner and Diet Pepsi. I brought them some rolls, collected the mail and helped clean up after dinner. Elaine made me spicy, sumptuous cups of tea. Mike grilled me about the car.

"How much did you get it for? What's your interest rate? Is it a 4 cylinder or 6 cylinder?"

"It's blue," I helpfully offered. He giggled.

He updated me on his flashlight situation, which a running topic here. He gets large spotlights from Harbor Freight and uses them for different purposes: one is his perimeter light to check the property, one is to keep an eye on the dogs during their nighttime potty break, plus he always likes to illuminate anyone walking back up the hill after a late night boat ride. You can feel your eyeballs explode into flame under his flashlights. Mike always looks for bears, coyotes, or mountain lions before he lets the dogs loose because those are some very real problems around here. He also checks for deer or bunnies because nobody wants the dogs chasing them across the highway. And when Riley's here, he looks for owls. I always scoff at that one, but he says he's seen some with a 6 foot wingspan, and one that big could certainly try. Personally, I cannot fathom an owl that big. Sheesh!

So Mike had one of his lights taken apart because when he turns it on, it makes a ton of noise and then dies. I was cleaning up after dinner, heard the noise, and turned around to look for the radio controlled helicopter, because that's exactly what it sounded like. Mike showed me the little board and said it had to be one of the two relays that was buzzing... then he started whacking them with a fork. I laughed so hard. I thought my method of repeatedly smacking my mouse down and crying was the most impressive way of dealing with malfunctioning electronics, but I never thought of whacking them with a fork! Such intricate craftsmanship...

It didn't work, but that's fine. Mike loves an excuse to go use another coupon at Harbor Freight.

We ended up just watching TV shows instead of any movies because we were so busy yapping. We watched some America's Funniest Home Videos, which is always good for some belly laughs. Mike and Elaine both made dinner- we had some Chicken Cordon Bleh with rice and salad. Ha ha it keeps "fixing" b-l-e-u to bleh.

Anyway, part of my reluctance to come out here was that I had laundry to do. They told me to bring it. This picture is me using Turk as a folding table. He spent a lot of time kissing me and being curled up at my feet. Elaine said he was very confused when Riley and I didn't show up with the rest of the family during their last visit. When Chris adopted him in a parking lot in Dayton, his whole body was smaller than his head is now. He rode home in my lap and I put him inside my sweatshirt. He snuggled in so far that he ended up sleeping behind my back and I had to sit very straight the whole way home. We took him to Yosemite with Shannon that year. He rode around in my backpack with his little head poking out, attracting a trail of children. I named him and I trained him. He's 7 now. He followed me around during laundry, and when I asked if he'd be my folding table, he looked at me solemnly and stood very still. I got most of it folded with his help. :D

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A morning well spent, I think.

Baking bread, singing sad songs and crying. I may be a mess over here, but I just ate some hot, fresh bread so I'm ready to handle my errands now.

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I'll get right on that.

See!?! Here it is, 6:30 am. Does the VA have jobs where people can work from home? Or what about just a job with a changing schedule? I know that this daily monotony is helpful for the diabetes, but I miss my school schedule when most time was mine and everything changed every few months. Of course, being a student meant being broke and raking in debt, but how awesome was it to get a spring break? I want to go to school for a living, have an interesting schedule that changes often, but keep my VA pay and benefits. If somebody could get that going for me, I'd really appreciate it. While you're at it, I'd like a million dollars. And a house just outside of town that has bay windows and secret passageways. And a goat. I've always wanted a goat.

At work, towards the end of a phone call, I'll ask the person if there is anything else they need. Some folks respond with, "The winning numbers to the lottery, heh heh heh!" I used to laugh and say me too, but now I just say "Ok, I'll get right on that," all serious like it's a med refill.

I feel like I should stay in this job for at least a year before reaching for something more difficult, but the daily grind is an accurate description. I'm sure the recent changes aren't helping my outlook. I wanted this job for many reasons, but a big part was providing stability for Ant. Now it's just for me, and we know how good I am at putting myself first. I am probably just expressing anger and grief from that loss in all areas of my life.

Chris's dad called last night to check on me and to offer an ear anytime I need one. :)  He said the same thing many others have: that Chris will likely be helped more by me not helping, that he needs to see me taking care of my own needs. That is very hard, especially with Ant in the picture. Chris's dad reiterated how much he appreciates me- as the entire family often does- but encouraged me to protect my peace of mind by not handing Chris everything he asks for. Now that there is a separation between us, I see how I was unable to withstand the pressure. I don't really have to resist him now, because he recognizes what he was doing before and either doesn't ask or retracts the request. We are both trying to stand on our own.

Why does that make me cry?

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Nobody likes a super clean house, anyway.

Now that I've made a mess, it's time to kick back and watch a movie.

I can't believe it's already 9. I checked several errands off my to do list, then came home and started working on my desk and bookshelf and excess binder nonsense. I was doing well until I opened the file box full of old, old things. I have a huge pile of paper to shred. I was talking to Dad and he was giggling at memories of me helping him organize when I was always such a messy kid. Yes, well, as you can see, I am still a fan of yanking everything out first. There is plenty to do tomorrow, but I'm already ready for bed, so I'll be up at 6:30. Ugh. Stupid weekday schedule.

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